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Index

Prologue

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

Part Seven

FAQ

Appendix

Summary: Ah, the most pointless part of the story. Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy tells a bit about the Tag. The only point of this is to introduce Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy, who is vital to a section taking place in Part Three. You can skip this if you like, but just remember Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy because you'll need to know of him.

(The scene is only blackness, waiting for the beginning credits to appear)

(Voiceover) Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Long ago, in the ages of old-

Phoebe: (whispering furiously) That's not how it goes!

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: (whispering back) It is now!

Phoebe: You're fired!

Deep Voiced Narrator Guy: But I can't be! No! We can work things out!

Phoebe: Then do it right!

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Okay, okay, I will! How does it go?

Phoebe: That was right.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: You suck.

Phoebe: You dare tell me I suck. I'll fire you.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: I dare you. I bet you can't find anyone else to fit this part.

Phoebe: Well, I could change it. To Light-Voiced, Graceful English Woman!

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Is that a threat?

Phoebe: It's a fact.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Oh.

Phoebe: Anyway, get to it!

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Okay. Long ago, in the ages of old-

Richelle: HEY! WE'RE GETTING FRIED CHICKEN! WANT SOME?

Phoebe: Shhh! Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy is doing the voiceover for the introduction-slash-prologue!

Richelle: Do YOU want fried chicken!

Phoebe: NO! Just LEAVE!

(Sound of door shutting)

Phoebe: WAIT! RICHELLE!

(Door opening)

Richelle: Yeah?

Phoebe: Where are you going?

Richelle: Popeye's!

Phoebe: Get me some chicken strips?

Richelle: Anything else?

Phoebe: Er... beans and rice.

Richelle: That all?

Phoebe: Oh! Barbecue sauce!

Richelle: Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy? Want anything?

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Sure. I'll have some Cajun chicken.

Richelle: Okay. Got it. Mac and Cheese?

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Okay.

Richelle: I'm off.

(Sound of door shutting)

Phoebe: Alright, get on with it.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Long ago, in the ages of old-

Phoebe: Are you sure that's how it goes?

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: That's how you wrote it.

Phoebe: I know, but I forgot the beginning. I've been having this horrible mind blank in the past few days and am forgetting a lot of things. It's a good thing that I have the Council of Elrond on tape, or we'd be screwed.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Yeah. Are you writing that next?

Phoebe: After this. Richelle wanted me to write a prologue.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Oh. Right.

Phoebe: Well, actually, I don't know if I'm going to do the Council of Angeleena next- that IS what it's going to be called, you know. It all depends on how I write the scene with Big Tall Old Man and Biggest Tallest Oldest Man. And I have to write a bit of when they're in Rivendell- I think perhaps I'll write everything UNTIL the Council but then, the Council will be seperate. I should have it done by next week.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Next week?

Phoebe: I've got a lot of demands for homework and such! This is a very lengthy project I've engaged in with over seven readers!

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Ooooh, SEVEN readers.

Phoebe: Shut up. Chew your gum. Read the script.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Long ago, in the ages of old-

Sara: DID YOU GUYS STEAL THE BAGELS?

Phoebe: NO! YOUR BROTHER ATE THEM ALL!

Sara: DAMN HIM! IS HE STILL ON THE SET?

Phoebe: COME HERE! I HATE YELLING! IT HURTS MY THROAT!

(Sound of footsteps)

Sara: Is he still on the set?

Phoebe: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that.

Sara: Yeah?

Phoebe: Could you try and get him OFF the set? We're having a major food shortage because of him.

Sara: Speaking of food- what's for lunch?

Phoebe: Didn't Richelle ask you about Popeye's chicken?

Sara: Chicken? I could go for some chicken!

Phoebe: Go find Richelle, then! Can't you see I'm busy?

Sara: Oh. I understand.

Phoebe: It's not like THAT. We're recording the voiceover for the opening credits.

Sara: Oh, really?

Phoebe: Yes. See Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy?

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Hey.

Sara: Oh! Hey! I always wanted to meet you!

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: I'm honored.

Sara: It must be funny when you order fast food.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Yeah.

Phoebe: Shut up. He's doing his job. If you're going to stick around, then don't talk.

Sara: No, I gotta go find Richelle. I want some chicken.

(Footsteps, door slamming)

Phoebe: Alright, go!

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Long ago, in the ages of old-

Catlea: HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN MY CAPE?

Phoebe: NO! I THINK TAYLOR WAS RUNNING AROUND WITH IT SAYING HE WAS BATMAN!

Catlea: ALRIGHT! THANKS!

Phoebe: Alright, go.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Long ago, in the ages of old-

(Footsteps)

Brandy: Have you guys seen my sword?

Phoebe: You don't need that till Weatherbottom.

Brandy: Yeah, that's the next scene, remember?

Phoebe: Oh. In which case, I think Catlea has it. She's supposed to give you the swords, isn't she?

Brandy: Oh, right. Thanks.

(Footsteps)

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Long ago, in the ages of old, a battle over a Mattress Tag was had, though none now live who remember it.

(Long silence)

Phoebe: Yeah...

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: You're supposed to press the button that makes the big pop-up thing that says "THE LORD OF THE TAGS" in really cool letters.

Phoebe: Oh, right.

(Click of a button, a large THE LORD OF THE TAGS sign pops up)

Phoebe: Go on...

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: That's all there is.

Phoebe: Really?

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Oh wait, no. I missed something.

Phoebe: Alright.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Nineteen Tags of Power were made- three for the Simmons mattress manufacturer, seven for Spring Air, and nine for the weak Serta executives, who desired power most. But all of them were decieved, for another Tag was made. In the waters of Mount Spring-

Phoebe: (laughs) I love that one. Get it? The WATERS of Mount SPRING... Mountain Spring water... harhar! And Mount Spring... like SPRINGS in mattresses...

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Yeah, I get it.

Phoebe: Continue.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Deep in the Sealy Mattress Factory, another ring was made by the Dark Lord, Voldemort.

Phoebe: Wrong story.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Oh, sorry. By the Dark Baron, Vladimir Harkonnen-

Phoebe: That's from Dune, you nerd.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Sorry. I get my fantasies and science fictions mixed up sometimes.

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. Alright, keep going.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: By the Dark Lord, Phoebe's Stepmother. It was the One Tag To Rule Them All. The one Tag to find them. The one Tag to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Phoebe: That's part of the poem. You're not supposed to say that.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Oh. Well, it was the One Tag To Rule Them All. And then a guy, who was like, the Lord of Fourdoor- which is the Mattress Tag equivalent of Gondor- they make cars, you know, instead of mattresses- he defeated Phoebe's Stepmother, and took the Tag, and then was killed by some angry people, and the Tag fell into some water, and then Cher picked it up, and then lost it, and the Guy From The Mattress Firm came and got it. Ouuuuuuur story begins...

Phoebe: Cut! That's a wrap.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Doesn't our story have to begin?

Phoebe: Oh, it does. That was just the prologue. Silly me, didn't I forget to tell you? You only narrate the beginning.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Oh. But you didn't say much about the big birthday party.

Phoebe: I suppose that's because when I was writing it, I didn't mean for it to be as detailed.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: So how about you just do a bit of a party scene?

Phoebe: But that would ruin the rest of it, you see. I'd have to totally re-write it. Maybe someday.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: But I really wanted to see the party part!

Phoebe: Fine. We'll just pretend it fits into the story somewhere.

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: Alright.

Richelle: CHICKEN'S HERE!

Phoebe: Nevermind. No party scene. Maybe someday.

Copyright Phoebe Caprona 2002. If you intend to use any content from this website, e-mail me and ask. I DEMAND CREDIT FOR WHAT I HAVE SO PAINSTAKINGLY SLAVED OVER! Some things taken from J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and the movie The Fellowship of the Ring. The mattress tag idea was mine. The four mattress companies (Sealy, Serta, Simmons, Spring Air) are REAL!!! Popeye's Chicken is also real and is not mine. The Dark Lord Voldemort is J.K. Rowling's creation, The Baron Vladimir Harkonnen and the book Dune are of Frank Herbert.