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Index

Prologue

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

Part Seven

FAQ

Appendix

Summary: Phoebe and Richelle pick up two extra members to add to their ensemble and avoid the Men In Business Suits With BMW's, the ones completely controlled by Sauronette and searching for the Tag. They journey to Bisbee where they make the acquaintance of Striderette, a mysterious stranger who offers to help them.

(Phoebe and Richelle are walking through somebody's front yard)

Richelle: (suddenly stops)

Phoebe: (continues walking but realises Richelle has stopped; turns around) Richelle- what is it?

Richelle: If I take one step further, it will be the farthest from home I've ever been.

Phoebe: (turns around and looks at the house next door which has a huge sign out front saying, in big block letters, 'RICHELLE'S HOUSE'; frowns) Richelle, you have no life.

Richelle: (sulks) I know. It's sad, isn't it?

Phoebe: Quite. Now come on, Richelle, you can do it.

Richelle: (takes a step)

Phoebe: Now that wasn't so hard, was it? (continues walking but realises Richelle has fallen behind again and sighs in exasperation) What is it now?

Richelle: (has only taken one step) I was wrong. THIS will be the farthest from home I've been.

Phoebe: (walks up behind Richelle and pushes her) Not anymore. Now go.

(Fade to next scene in the middle of the desert with only one cactus in view)

Phoebe: (about three feet ahead of Richelle)

Richelle: (is cleaning her glasses; looks up) Phoebe? Phoebe? PHOEBE? PHOEBE!?! (goes running around in circles, searching for Phoebe)

Phoebe: (reaches hand out and grabs Richelle by her shirt)

Richelle: NOT THE SHIRT!

Phoebe: Richelle, I'm right here.

Richelle: It's just that- I thought I'd lost you!

Phoebe: Well, I'm right here, Richelle.

Richelle: I just- I made a promise to Big Tall Old Man. 'Don't you leave her, Richelle Caparza'- and I don't mean to.

Phoebe: I'm fine, Richelle, we haven't even left Oro Valley Yet. Nothing bad will happen to us.

(Phoebe and Richelle are suddenly run over by two rushing figures)

Sara: (stands up and looks at who she just knocked over) Phoebe! Look, Brandy, it's Phoebe Caprona!

Brandy: (opens mouth to say something but is interrupted by shouts of Sara's Brother)

Richelle: (looks at what Sara and Brandy dropped) You've been raiding Sara's Brother's junk food stash!

Brandy: (picks up pile of Snickers bars and throws them into Richelle's arms; starts to run)

(Sara and Phoebe run after Brandy)

Richelle: (looks at the Snickers bars cluelessly for a moment, then hears Sara's Brother and, with a start, begins to run)

Phoebe: Why is Sara's Brother so mad at you guys?

Richelle: I'm guessing it has something to do with raiding his junk food stash!

Phoebe: But it was only the Snickers!

Sara: And the M&M's last week, and the Twinkies the week before- and the Milky Ways the week before that, and before that, some Ding Dongs-

Phoebe: How much junk good does he HAVE?

Sara: Have you SEEN my brother?

Phoebe: True.

(They all stop suddenly at the sight of a glass of lemonade in the middle of the desert which is shaking like on Jurassic Park and the ground begins to shake like an earthquake as a giant creature's shadow looms over them all)

Sara: It's my BROTHER!

Phoebe: RUN!!!!!!

(Fade to them still running a little further on where there is a bit more vegetation and many more rocks)

Phoebe: (stops suddenly at the edge of a ditch by the street)

(Brandy and Sara stop just in time to avoid running into Phoebe)

Richelle: (looking behind her and unaware of the situation ahead runs right into the three of them)

(Phoebe, Richelle, Sara and Brandy tumble into the ditch and land in a pile at the bottom)

(Mattress lands on top of them)

Phoebe: (muffled shouting, pushes mattress off face) It's a pity Big Tall Old Man made me sew the Tag back onto the mattress! Just because it says 'not to remove the Tag', he wanted to make sure that, if we were caught, we would not be imprisoned. That Big Tall Old Man, only wishes the best for us.

Sara: (pushes mattress off her face, Richelle's and Brandy's) Yeah.

Richelle: I should have known better than to go wandering with a Merrybuck and a Took!

Sara: Which one am I?

Phoebe: A Took.

Sara: And why is Brandy a Merrybuck?

Phoebe: Well, I figured, Merry Brandybuck, Brandy Merrybuck... it's all for the purposes of this story.

Brandy: (groans) I think I broke something. (pulls her hand out from under a pile of candy and holds up a broken Snickers bar) Oh, man!

Phoebe: (stands up and brushes off clothes)

Sara: (gasps and points to middle of road)

Richelle: Look! An unsuspicious pile of candy sitting right in the middle of the street in a highly populated area!

(Richelle, Brandy and Sara dive to over to candy and start bickering over it)

Phoebe: (wanders out in the middle of road dragging mattress, stops, and stares down the road) We should get out of the street.

(Sara, Brandy and Richelle continue their bickering)

Phoebe: GET OUT OF THE ROAD! CAR! (jumps back into ditch dragging Sara, Brandy and Richelle behind her and pulling mattress over them but in plain view)

Man In Business Suit With BMW: (pulls up slowly and stops next to where they are in ditch, opens door and gets out)

Phoebe: (grasps the Tag and the pin that is conveniently attached to her shirt)

Man In Business Suit With BMW: (kneels over side of ditch and sniffs as though he can sniff out their presence)

(Mattress is in plain view)

Phoebe: (is in the process of pinning Mattress Tag to shirt)

Richelle: (reaches out hand and stops her)

Brandy: (throws a handful of candy onto road)

Man In Business Suit With BMW: (starts and jumps back into car, drives away)

Phoebe: (pushes mattress away and stands up)

(Brandy and Sara begin searching for other men in business suits with BMW's)

Sara: That was close.

Brandy: That Man In Business Suit With BMW was looking for someone- or something. Frodo?

(Richelle, Sara and Phoebe all look around in confusion)

Sara: (leans over toward Phoebe and whispers) Frodo?

Phoebe: (whispering) She keeps forgetting that this isn't The Fellowship of the Ring.

Sara: Oh.

Phoebe: (glances at Sara and Brandy) Richelle and I must get to Bisbee.

Brandy: (nods) Right... Merrybury Ferry! Follow me.

(Phoebe, Richelle, Brandy and Sara step out into the open as Man In Business Suit With BMW comes driving around the corner, screeching)

Richelle: Why is he screeching like that?

Phoebe: Maybe he's ill.

Sara: Oh no- him again. What are we gonna do?

Phoebe: I vote we run screaming like little girls until we get to Merrybury Ferry. We then fade the scene to where we are arriving at Bisbee. But first, we have to have some sort of action, like me almost getting caught by Man In Business Suit With BMW.

Richelle: Works for me.

Brandy: I'm in.

Sara: But why is there a ferry in the middle of the desert?

Phoebe: For the sake of the story. It wouldn't be much of a fellowship if there wasn't time to make it a fellowship, would it? Now, let's go. (Begins to run screaming like a little girl)

(Richelle and Sara follow suit)

Brandy: (runs ahead of them, screaming like a little girl and leading them to Merrybury Ferry)

Man In Business Suit With BMW: (drives car, still screeching a really annoying, loud sound, on a wild chase to catch the girls through the desert trying to avoid all cactus if possible)

(Brandy, Richelle, and Sara all jump onto the ferry, Richelle untying the knot that keeps it ashore)

(The ferry begins to float away from the dock)

Richelle: PHOEBE! HURRY!

(Heroic scene: Phoebe is running as fast as she can, with Man In Business Suit With BMW at her tail, dragging the mattress behind her)

(Ferry begins to drift too far away from dock)

Richelle: RUN!

Phoebe: (is running as fast as possible, finally jumps onto the ferry with the mattress miraculously landing on it with a soft 'thlump')

Man In Business Suit With BMW: (puts brakes on quite hard and car makes a loud skidding/screeching noise rather like he is stopping himself to avoid falling into the water- however, the car continues to slide on the wet dock and lands, with a huge splash, into the water)

Sara: That was close.

Phoebe: Howcome you always get to say that?

Sara: You're writing the script. I didn't suggest anything to you. All I wanted was to be Pippin's alter ego.

Phoebe: True.

(Three more Men In Business Suits With BMWs drive by the ferry, glaring at them)

(Fade to next scene, where the four are carrying a flashlight, which somehow miraculously appeared with them, and wearing cloaks, even though nobody wears them anymore, as the pouring rain soaks them. They walk up to the gate which appears to be in the middle of nowhere.)

Phoebe: (knocks on gate uncertainly)

Gatekeeper: (opens slot, but can't see them- closes slot and opens a lower one)

Phoebe: I know we're short, but you don't have to mock us.

Gatekeeper: What do you want, this time of night?

Phoebe: We wish to stay at the Copper Queen Inn.

Gatekeeper: It's the Copper Queen Hotel! Not Inn!

Phoebe: Well, in this story, it's an inn. What, you really think that in the story of Jesus, it wasn't a motel? Inns just sound better. They make the story more interesting.

Gatekeeper: And why is there a gate here? There's no gate around Bisbee!

Phoebe: Hey, you want the story to be different, you take the time to write it! Anyhow, we wish to stay at the Copper Queen Inn!

Gatekeeper: What business brings you here?

Phoebe: Our business is our own.

Gatekeeper: (opens gate) It's my job to ask questions after nightfall. Go ahead. Inn's that way. (points to inn)

Phoebe: Thanks.

(The four of them walk through the town of Bisbee, observing passerby in the late night rain, and open the door to the inn, filled with people much taller than them)

Phoebe: Er... (hardly reaches counter) EXCUSE ME!

Richelle: (shrugs at Phoebe)

Phoebe: EXCUSE ME! HEY, YOU UP THERE!

Bartender: (leans over bar) You 21?

Phoebe: No.

Bartender: Leave!

Phoebe: I mean- yes.

Bartender: Can I see some ID?

Phoebe: Uhh... (points over shoulder of bartender) LOOK! A VIRGIN!

Bartender: WHERE!?! (turns around, searching)

(The four of them run past the bartender and into the restaurant area)

(Fade to scene where they are eating some food and drinking orange soda, with Brandy missing from the table)

Richelle: (leans over, addressing Phoebe) That woman over there's been nothing but staring at us since we came in.

Phoebe: (glances at woman, wearing a hood and dressed all in black, in the corner) Oh no! I never returned my library books!

Richelle: (punches Phoebe in the stomach)

Phoebe: OW! Maybe she's a member of a cult. (summons waitress) Excuse me, do you know anything about that woman over there? (nods toward woman in black)

Waitress: Oh, she's one of those Rangerettes- her real name, I've never heard, but 'round here she goes as Striderette.

Phoebe: Thankyou.

(Waitress leaves)

Brandy: (comes hurrying back to the table carrying a large bottle of orange soda, cuddling it and taking a sip from it)

Sara: What's that?

Brandy: This, my friend, is a liter.

Sara: It comes in liters? I'm getting one. (runs off)

Richelle: YOU'VE HAD A WHOLE 20 OUNCES ALREADY! (shakes head)

Phoebe: (looks down at Mattress Tag, which she is holding in her hands)

(A loud whispering echoes through the restaurant, saying- "Caprona... Caprona...")

(An extraordinarily loud voice intrudes in Phoebe's deep thoughts)

Sara: Caprona? Sure I know a Caprona. She's my cousin- right over there. (points to Phoebe) Once removed on her mother's side, and-

Phoebe: (jumps up to run and shut Sara up but slips, causing mattress to fly into the air... Tag lands right on the pin and the pin fastens accidentally, making her invisible and causing a stir... has all these strange visions of the Men In Business Suits With BMWs and knows they sense the Tag's presence... stirred, she takes off the tag and is sitting on the floor, sweating)

Striderette: (grabs Phoebe and drags her into her room)

(Fade to scene where Phoebe is being dragged into Striderette's room)

Striderette: You draw too much attention to yourself, Miss... did you come up with an alias or did I just forget?

Phoebe: (hits self on head) I KNEW I was forgetting something! No, I forgot the alias part.

Striderette: Anyway, you draw far too much attention to yourself.

Phoebe: Weren't you supposed to say that BEFORE you dragged me in here?

Striderette: I can't remember.

Phoebe: Oh. Anyway, you were yelling at me. Continue.

Striderette: You draw far too much attention to yourself! That is no trinket you carry.

Phoebe: I carry nothing. (glances over at mattress)

Striderette: I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to disappear altogether- that is a rare gift.

(A long pause)

Striderette: Are you frightened?

Phoebe: Yes.

Striderette: Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you.

Phoebe: I'm not really frightened you know, that was just one of my favorite lines. So I had to say 'yes'.

Striderette: Ah. Shut up.

Phoebe: Okay, Catlea, whatever you say.

Striderette: SHHH! They're not supposed to know I'm Catlea yet. I'm Striderette until such time as the Council of Elrhonda, which isn't until we get to Rivendeli.

Phoebe: Actually, it's the council of Angeleena, she's this friend I have...

Striderette: Oh, whatever. Anyway, they're not supposed to know! Next thing you know, you'll be telling them about Sara's death at the end!

Phoebe: Sara dies?

Striderette: I don't know. I didn't look over the script too well.

Phoebe: Oh. Yeah, me neither.

Striderette: You WROTE IT!

Phoebe: I know, but do you really think I think twice when I write it?

Striderette: True.

Phoebe: Anyway, we're supposed to be having a totally intense conversation.

Striderette: Oh. Right.

(Silence)

Striderette: What am I supposed to say?

Phoebe: Actually, the other three were supposed to burst in here quite a while ago. I'm just passing time so it doesn't seem awkward.

Striderette: Ah. Nice.

Phoebe: Thanks.

(Richelle, Brandy and Sara burst into room)

Richelle: IF YOU LAY ONE HAND ON HER, I WILL KICK YOU WHERE THE SUN ONLY SHINES ON HOLIDAYS!

Striderette: I'm female.

Richelle: I know, but it's in the script. There's also a thing with Arwen later.

Striderette: Really? I wasn't informed. I don't think I like that part. I don't swing on that side of the road.

Phoebe: Oh, don't worry, you don't.

Striderette: Are there any other things that I wasn't informed of?

Sara: She still doesn't know who we're going to get to play Galadriel.

Phoebe: You know, we're not supposed to be letting on this much that this isn't really happening. You see, the audience is supposed to think that this is ACTUALLY happening.

Striderette: They're not that stupid.

Phoebe: Have you MET some of them?

Striderette: True.

Phoebe: Anyway, we're supposed to progress to some meaningful conversation. You're supposed to explain that you're a friend of Big Tall Old Man, and you know who the Men In Business Suits With BMWs are, so I can stop having to write Men In Business Suits With BMWs every time I want to refer to one.

Striderette: Oh, right. Anyway, I'm a friend of Big Tall Old Man.

Phoebe: Good. Hey, wasn't he supposed to meet us here?

Striderette: I suppose he was, wasn't he?

Richelle: Yeah, I think so. Well, he's not here. So let's freak out a bit.

Phoebe: OH NO! BIG TALL OLD MAN ISN'T HERE! Anyway, Striderette, continue.

Striderette: It's Richelle's line.

Richelle: So, who are they? The Men In Business Suits With BMWs?

Striderette: The Tagwraiths. They were swallowed by the power of the Tag, and are now neither alive nor dead. They feed off the power of the Tag and can always sense it.

(Crickets)

Brandy: That... sucks.

Copyright Phoebe Caprona 2002. If you intend to use any content from this website, e-mail me and ask. I DEMAND CREDIT FOR WHAT I HAVE SO PAINSTAKINGLY SLAVED OVER! Some things taken from J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and the movie The Fellowship of the Ring. The mattress tag idea was mine. The four mattress companies (Sealy, Serta, Simmons, Spring Air) are REAL!!! Bisbee is located in Arizona and the Copper Queen Hotel is located there also.