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Index

Prologue

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

Part Seven

FAQ

Appendix

Summary: Striderette leads Phoebe, Richelle, Sara and Brandy from Bisbee to Rivendeli, where unfortunately they meet up with the fear-inspiring TagWraiths and Phoebe has a wound inflicted upon her. In a rush to get her to Rivendeli, a certain Stacy shows up and attempts to take Phoebe to Rivendeli safely.

(Scene: the Tagwraiths arrive at the gates of Bisbee, knocking them- along with the gatekeeper- down and driving their BMWs toward the Copper Queen Inn)

(Close-up of Richelle's sleeping face)

(Zoom out to view of four beds in room, all occupied by a sleeping figure)

(Tagwraiths file into room, holding extremely large letter-openers over each sleeping figure and finally, when they are all hovering over a bed, begin to stab the sleeping figures)

(Shot: Richelle being jolted awake)

(Zoom out to see Richelle, Sara and Brandy all snoozing on a single bed, Phoebe sitting at the edge uneasily, and Striderette sitting in the corner, staring out the window as the Tagwraiths bring their wrath upon...)

(Back to the other room, across the way, the Tagwraiths discover they are stabbing only feather pillows that were made to resemble sleeping people, they start screeching again)

Richelle: (sits up) Why do they DO that? It's REALLY irritating!

Phoebe: Rumour has it that eventually they start saying, "Yeeeeeah..." like on Office Space, but we don't find that out till the next movie.

Richelle: Oh.

Phoebe: (to Striderette) What ARE they?

Striderette: They are the Dark Mattress Riders. The-

Sara: Dark Mattress Riders?

Brandy: (begins to giggle)

Striderette: What's so funny about it?

Phoebe: Do you have any idea how DIRTY that sounds?

Stridette: (grinning) We have to be serious! Alright. As I was saying. They are the Dark- they are the Tagwraiths, the Nazgula. They can always sense the power of the Tag and are drawn to it. They will never stop hunting you.

(Scene: the five are climbing some rocks)

Brandy: I don't know about this Striderette... how do we know for sure that she's a friend of Big Tall Old Man?

Phoebe: At this point, we have no choice but to trust her.

Richelle: Where is she takin' us?

Striderette: Into the wild.

(Later, the five are strolling through the woods)

(Richelle, Phoebe, Sara and Brandy suddenly slow and stop)

Striderette: What are you doing? We must keep going!

Sara: What about breakfast?

Striderette: You've already had it!

Sara: Yes, we've had one. What about second breakfast?

Striderette: (shakes head and moves ahead of them)

Brandy: I don't think she knows about second breakfast, Sara.

Sara: What about elevensies? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner?... Supper? She knows about those, doesn't she?

Brandy: I wouldn't count on it.

(An apple flies through the air, Brandy catches it and hands it to Sara)

(Sara stares in perplexity at the apple as a second one comes wooshing towards her and beans her right in the head)

Striderette: Come on. Let's go.

Richelle: Where is she taking us?

Striderette: To Rivendeli.

Richelle: Did you hear that? We're goin' to see the elves!

Phoebe: They're not elves in this story. They're Simmons Mattress Employees.

Sara: And isn't Rivendeli a restaurant?

(Phoebe and Richelle turn around and raise their eyebrows)

(A new scene, obviously several hours later and nearing dark. The five pause in front of a huge tower made of rocks)

Striderette: (stops and looks admiringly at the tower) Ah. The old watchtower at Weatherbottom.

(They climb up atop the watchtower and find a nice nook to camp in)

Striderette: (pulls out four swords and tosses one each to the other four) These are for you. You might need them.

Phoebe: That's mighty comforting. Last time I was swordfighting, I was in a Paper Warehouse on Halloween and the manager came and lectured me. Stupid prick, he was.

(A scene in the total darkness- Phoebe wakes up to find Richelle, Sara and Brandy huddled over a fire)

Phoebe: (frantically) What are you doing, you dweebs?

Brandy: Some bacon, and omelletes-

Richelle: We saved some for you, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Omelletes? No! No, that's not the point! PUT IT OUT YOU DORKS, PUT IT OUT! (goes stomping on fire trying to put it out)

(A camera shot from the distance where the fire and racket are clearly heard and seen)

Phoebe: (looks down) Oh no.

(Four BMWs are rapidly approaching the tower)

(The four stumble onto the very top of the watchtower and pose a couple of times, holding their swords in various styles)

Austin Powers: (jumps in and starts clicking camera) That's it, that's it... love the camera! Oh yeah! You're a llama! Come on now...

Phoebe: Wait. You're in the wrong story.

Austin Powers: No, I'm not. I have a cameo.

Phoebe: Oh, sorry. My bad. Alright.

Austin Powers: Groovy, baby! (disappears)

(The Tagwraiths- without their BMWs- come atop the tower, brandishing their letter-openers)

(Richelle, Brandy and Sara each take on a Tagwraith, and a fourth one comes toward Phoebe)

Phoebe: (walks backwards and stumbles on her untied shoelace, falls down) STUPID SHOELACE! I LACED THESE SHOES UP SO THEY WOULD NEVER COME UNTIED! IT'S NOT REALLY FAIR, IS IT? (realises that all four Tagwraiths are approaching her now)

Richelle: PHOEBE!

Phoebe: What?

Richelle: That was just one of those things like when someone you know falls off a cliff or something. They fall off, and then you run after them, and yell, "BOB!" or whatever their name was, for example.

Phoebe: Oh. (glances at the Tagwraiths) No! (pins Tag to her shirt and suddenly becomes invisible)

(The Tagwraiths are suddenly a very bluish color and they can still see Phoebe- one reaches out and tries to take the Tag away from Phoebe, but she resists... angry, the Wraith stabs her with the letter-opener)

Phoebe: (screams in pain and pulls off the Tag)

Richelle: (rushes over to Phoebe to see if she's okay)

Phoebe: That hurt...

Richelle: Phoebe, don't die! If you die, no one will finish writing this story!

Phoebe: I've... already... finished... writing... it... (turns head to the side and sticks tongue out)

Richelle: Phoebe- you're dead! Come back! (sinks to knees and pulls hair) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Phoebe: Just because I stuck my tongue out doesn't mean I'm dead.

Richelle: Oh. Good.

Striderette: (makes a heroic appearance and pokes the Tagwraiths with a toothpick)

(The Tagwraiths disappear)

Richelle: STRIDERETTE!

Striderette: (runs over) Yes?

Richelle: (points to Phoebe) It's Phoebe!

Striderette: Yes, I know it is.

Richelle: No, I mean, something's wrong with Phoebe!

Striderette: Oh. Er-

Richelle: She's been stabbed!

Striderette: (looks at the letter-opener left next to Phoebe and picks it up) She's been stabbed by an Evil Letter-Opener. This is beyond my skill level. She needs Simmonsish Medicine. (grabs Phoebe's arm and drags her along)

Richelle: Don't you think you're hurting her more than helping her?

Striderette: My arm's asleep.

(They enter the forest)

Phoebe: Owwwwww.. (making little squeaky sounds)

Richelle: What the hell is THAT?

Phoebe: I'm trying to imitate Frodo.

Richelle: Oh! You're surprisingly good at it.

Phoebe: Yes. (continues squeaky sounds)

Richelle: We're six days from Rivendeli! She'll never make it!

Striderette: (drops Phoebe)

(The five of them all sit down)

Brandy: What's going on?

Sara: Yeah, what's wrong with her?

Striderette: She's passing into the Shadow. She'll soon become a Wraith, like one of them.

Richelle: Oh, dear! She'll have to carry around a coffee mug with some company's logo that we've never heard of before all the time!

(Striderette walks away from the group and beckons Richelle over)

Striderette: Do you know the athelas plant?

Richelle: Er..

Striderette: Kingsfoil.

Richelle: Kingsfoil! That's a weed!

Striderette: You REALLY know what kingsfoil is?

Richelle: Sadly enough. I have WAY too much spare time. Plus, I think it was on the Forensic Files once.

Striderette: It might help to slow the poison. Hurry.

Richelle: There's poison?

Striderette: Yes! That's how she's going to become a Wraith!

Richelle: Oh.

Striderette: Hurry!

Richelle: Hurry what?

Striderette: I was requesting you find some athelas. Kingsfoil.

Richelle: Er... you never asked. All you did was ask if I knew what athelas was.

Striderette: I was implying that I needed some.

Richelle: Right. Well, I'll go look.

(They both go off into seperate directions searching for athelas)

Striderette: (is searching for athelas frantically when a large blade is shoved across throat)

Stacy: What's this, a rangerette caught off her guard?

Striderette: No, I saw you with the eyes in the back of my head.

(Scene: Phoebe is laying there, making squeaking sounds, when a really nice white Mercedes comes driving up at the perfect speed limit and some woman with blonde hair hops out with some sort of weird light around her)

Phoebe: Jesus?

Stacy: No. I am Stacy.

Phoebe: Oh.

Stacy: I'm here to help you.

Phoebe: Oh.

Stacy: Don't walk towards the light!

Phoebe: Okay.

Stacy: Well, that was easy.

Phoebe: Am I paying for this?

Stacy: No.

Phoebe: Then I'm not going to be stubborn or else you'll declare yourself a doctor and charge.

Stacy: Isn't that illegal?

Phoebe: It could be. I'm not a lawyer.

Stacy: You're not?

Phoebe: No. I'm God.

Stacy: Isn't that against about a thousand religions?

Phoebe: What, God?

Stacy: No. Saying you're God.

Phoebe: It could be. I'm not a priest.

Stacy: You're not?

Phoebe: No. I'm God.

Stacy: You'll be facing the Wrath of God for that one.

Phoebe: No. Because I AM God.

Stacy: No, you're not.

Phoebe: Prove it!

Stacy: You wouldn't be dying right now if you were God.

Phoebe: Precisely.

Stacy: So you're... not dying?

Phoebe: Yeah, I'm dying.

Stacy: So you're not God!

Phoebe: I know! Where did you go off assuming I was God?

Stacy: What?

Phoebe: Exactly.

Stacy: But you said you were God!

Phoebe: I AM God.

Stacy: But then you said you weren't God!

Phoebe: But I AM God!

Stacy: So you're God?

Phoebe: No! If I were God, would I be laying here, dying?

Stacy: You just said you were God!

Phoebe: No! I said, "No! If I were God, would I be laying here, dying?"

Stacy: Before that!

Phoebe: Before "No! I said, 'No! If I were God, would I be laying here, dying?' "?

Stacy: What?

Phoebe: I'm God.

Stacy: I'm Confused.

Phoebe: Nice to meet you. I'm Phoebe.

Stacy: I thought you were God!

Phoebe: I AM God. I am also Phoebe.

Stacy: So you're God! Finally we come to a conclusion!

Phoebe: A conclusion of what?

Stacy: The conclusion that you are God!

Phoebe: I'm not God!

Stacy: But you said you WERE God!

Phoebe: I'm dying! I would not be laying here, dying, if I were God!

Stacy: So you're NOT God.

Phoebe: Where did you go off thinking I was God?

Stacy: From what you said earlier-

Phoebe: What did I say earlier?

Stacy: You said you were God.

Phoebe: You got THAT from THAT?

Stacy: What?

Phoebe: Aren't you supposed to be rescuing me?

Stacy: Oh, right. Here. Have a band-aid. (hands Phoebe a band-aid)

Phoebe: This is used.

Stacy: Oh, is it?

Phoebe: Yes.

Stacy: Too bad, then!

Phoebe: (rips Stacy's dress)

Stacy: You just ripped my dress!

Phoebe: Oh, did I?

Stacy: YES!

Phoebe: Too bad, then!

Stacy: What happens in this scene?

Phoebe: Well, I can't remember. Oh, you say things like you're going to help me or something.

Stacy: I'm going to help you.

Phoebe: Great!

(Scene: Phoebe is sitting in the car Stacy drove in with, Stacy is standing next to Striderette, and the remaining three are over in the corner)

Stacy: I've been looking for you for days. There are five Tagwraiths behind you. Where the other four are, I do not know.

Brandy: Who is she?

Richelle: She's a Simmons Employee!

Striderette: You stay here with those three. I'll send a car for you later.

Stacy: No. I'll go. I'm a faster driver.

Striderette: But the road is too dangerous!

Stacy: Once I get across the river, the power of my people will protect us.

Striderette: (raises an eyebrow)

Stacy: I do not fear them.

Striderette: Oh, fine.

Stacy: (jumps in car and drives off)

Richelle: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SHE'LL NEVER MAKE IT!

Sara: (leans over and whispers to Brandy) How did she keep that white car so clean driving through the jungle?

Brandy: (shrugs)

(Stacy is driving at an extremely high speed down the deserted highway with five BMWs pursuing)

Phoebe: (squeaky sounds)

(A bit later, they're driving through a narrow road in the jungle)

(All nine Tagwraiths are driving very close to the Mercedes)

Stacy: Blah blah blah! Magic elvish dialect words! Blahhhhhh!

(The Tagwraiths slow)

(Stacy drives across the bridge leading into Rivendeli)

Stacy: Ha ha! A bridge should make all the difference! They'll never get to us NOW!

(The Tagwraiths drive over the bridge)

Stacy: Oh, darn.

(The Tagwraiths are suddenly stopped by one of those things that goes up and down at a tollbooth allowing people to go through)

Man At Tollbooth: Twenty-five cents.

Tagwraith: (makes loud annoying sound)

Man At Tollbooth: You can't come over if you don't have twenty-five cents.

(The Tagwraiths all begin patting at their pockets and shake their heads, sadly turning around and driving away)

Stacy: (laughing) I WIN! YOU LOSE! SUCKERS! HAHAHA!

Phoebe: (makes a squeaking sound that's really loud)

Stacy: Oh, no! No, Phoebe, don't leave us now! NOT NOW!

Phoebe: (blacks out)

Stacy: (shrugs) Oh well. Let's just hope she's not dead or anything or else Angeleena will be REALLY angry.

(The scene blends to whiteness and then darkens again. Phoebe is laying in a bed and opens her eyes wearily)

Phoebe: (opens mouth to speak but is interrupted)

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: When Phoebe woke up, the clouds were pink. But not too pink- just sort of pink. Kind of like the pink of tunafish, but not the nice white tunafish. The cheap, gross, disgusting tunafish that single mothers have to buy when the fathers aren't paying the child support. Or the kind of pink of someone who has eaten the brand-name tunafish and then suffered some sort of stomach ulcer, thus causing them to vomit an awful lot. Or perhaps it can be described as a salmon-pink, instead of a tunafish pink, or maybe I should just leave the subject of fish and turn to flamingo pink. You know, the color of most flamingoes. And certain brands of yo-yo's. Not a detestable pink, like Barbie Hot Pink, but just a nice, soft, pink, like the flowers on a wonderful spring day. Not overly pink, but not underly pink. Just perfectly pink. Not so pink that you want to rip out your small intestines, but pink so that you wanted to... not rip out your small intestines. Rather like a small intestine pink, if you will. Or maybe a Peptol Bismol pink, and then there's the Benadryl Allergy stuff, which is pink, but it's not as pink as that. A little bit lighter, more like the pink that you see in a rainbow, when it's rained approximately 3.14 inches on a fresh summer day in Oro Valley. Or the sort of pink that you get when you lightly color something with a red colored pencil. Or like the Kleenex pink, when you can find the pink Kleenex. It's a nice, light pink, but not so light that it's hardly a recognisable pink. Like a pastel pink, sort of, or an Easter pink. The kind of pink that Easter eggs always look like, yes. Or the kind of pink that a lot of people enjoy using on Valentine's Day, but not as detestable- sort of in between the Easter-Valentine's pink, so it's a rather lovely shade of pink that makes you think, "Isn't that a rather lovely shade of pink?" Sort of like strawberry milk pink, or strawberry milkshake pink, with a hint of vanilla. So rather like those new kinds of Life-Savors that are a pinkish color with the nice vanilla swirl in it. Or maybe like a cotton candy pink, before the cotton candy has gotten wet, because when the cotton candy gets wet, it turns into a dark red and it's not a very pretty color. It's exact hex color code on a modern computer is FF,AA,D5, I think. But not really that kind of pink, either- kind of a mix of every kind of pink there is, made to look like a nice pink color. The kind of pink that makes the clouds look perfect. You know, that kind of pink.

(Phoebe and Big Tall Old Man are now snoring)

Two Weeks Later...

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: ...kind of like a tickle-me pink, that you might see on Sesame Street, or baby clothes, but not a WAY tickle-me pink, just like tickle-me-a-little pink. You know, that kind of pink. Sort of pink resembling shrimp. But not the orange shrimp, the pink shrimp. You know, how there's two kinds, kind of? Yes, well, it resembles the pink shrimp. And there are some sunglasses that have the exact shade I am looking for. Kind of like a bubble-gum pink, but not so bubbly pink. Kind of pink, like...

Three Weeks Later

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: ...so if you mixed the Police Tape with red, and then lightened the hue quite a bit, and then made it pink, it would be the exact pink I'm talking about. You know, a rather lovely pink, that reminds me of a nice spring's day...

The Next Day

Deep-Voiced Narrator Guy: And that's the kind of pink it is, if you know what I mean.

Phoebe: (wakes up with a jolt) Where am I?

Big Tall Old Man: (jumps awake and wipes drool off shirt) You are in the House of Angeleena. It's May the 12th, if you want to know.

Phoebe: Pity. Sara's birthday is tomorrow. That means I still have no viable excuse for not having a present.

Big Tall Old Man: Yes.

Phoebe: What happened? Why didn't you meet us?

Big Tall Old Man: I was... delayed.

Phoebe: That's where the scene is supposed to fade, isn't it?

Big Tall Old Man: No. Due to your forgetfulness, you've decided to write about what delayed me later, and just add it in before the Council of Angeleena.

Phoebe: Oh, right. Well, I hadn't seen the movie for nearly a week. I was suffering withdrawals and forgetfulness. Give me a break. It's hard to get this close to the movie.

Big Tall Old Man: Oh, fine. Anyway, you've been rescued with the help of Angeleena-

Ange: (strolls in, singing "Lady Marmalade")

Big Tall Old Man: You were expecting normal?

Phoebe: Not really.

Big Tall Old Man: That just defeated the purpose of the line, then.

Phoebe: Yes. Yes it did.

Ange: Creole lady marmalaaaaaade....

Phoebe: Okay.

Ange: Hey, sister!

Phoebe: Er...

Ange: Go sister!

Phoebe: Yeah...

Ange: Flow sister!

Phoebe: Uh...

Ange: Soul sister! He met Marmalade down at old Moulin Rouge...

Phoebe: Um...

Richelle: (runs in and grabs Phoebe's arm) You're AWAKE!

Phoebe: Why yes, I am. You know who was just in here looking for you? Captain Obvious.

Richelle: Really?

Phoebe: And you know what else?

Richelle: What?

Phoebe: "Gullible" isn't in the dictionary.

Richelle: Really!

Phoebe: Yes! Truly!

(Phoebe and Richelle are strolling around Rivendeli when they see Sara and Brandy)

Sara: You're okay!

Brandy: (runs up and hugs Phoebe)

Phoebe: Er..

Brandy: (hugs Richelle)

Sara: (hugs Phoebe)

Phoebe: This is too confusing. GROUP HUG!

(Brandy and Sara move to group hug, but Phoebe and Richelle back away)

Richelle: I think she was kidding.

Phoebe: Yes. (Turns around and sees some guy sitting on a bench) HEY! OLD MATTRESS SALESMAN!

Old Mattress Salesman: Hello, dear Phoebe. How's that Mattress workin' out for you?

Phoebe: Er... well, it WAS the One Mattress Tag To Rule Them All attached to it.

Old Mattress Salesman: Ah, that sucks. Alright, well, here's a shield, and here's a sword that glows whenever Phoebe's Stepmom's Henchmen are around.

Phoebe: Great! Thanks! Bye!

(The entrance to Rivendeli: three people enter. Taylor, AJ, and Val. Val trips Taylor and AJ snickers)

(Big Tall Old Man and Angeleena are pacing around on a balcony)

Ange: So you say that Biggest Tallest Oldest Man has betrayed us.

Big Tall Old Man: Yes.

Ange: Well, that sucks.

Big Tall Old Man: Yes.

Ange: So what are we going to do?

Big Tall Old Man: Uh-huh.

Ange: Did you just fart?

Big Tall Old Man: Yeah.

Ange: (giggles) I love it when people don't listen to me and I do that!

Big Tall Old Man: I guess.

Ange: On Friday nights, do you engage in illegal acts with rabbits?

Big Tall Old Man: Uh-huh.

Ange: This is so fun! Now to get him to listen. (slaps Big Tall Old Man) Listen!

Big Tall Old Man: Ow! Okay, okay.

Ange: So what are we going to do? The Tag cannot stay here!

Big Tall Old Man: But I can't make Phoebe go any further with it. It must stay here.

Ange: You tell us Biggest Tallest Oldest Man has betrayed us. We can't go against his troops AND Phoebe's Stepmother's Henchmen.

Big Tall Old Man: I suppose not.

Ange: The race of Spring Air executives just sit around, hoarding their springs all day. We can't rely on them for any help. And the race of Serta employees, though all are not evil, have lost all hope in helping us.

Big Tall Old Man: There is one who can unite them all. She can save us!

Ange: But she turned from that path long ago.

(Striderette is sitting around, zoomed in on her face)

Striderette: Ah! Do you HAVE to do that? The camera is so close to my face! I'm probably fogging it up by breathing!

(Zoom out)

Striderette: Thank goodness!

(Silence before the sound of a door opening)

Taylor: (enters and paces back and forth, looking around a bit before finding a big sword on a large plate) Ah! Look! A big sword on a large plate!

(Caption under plate reads: Big Sword On Large Plate)

Taylor: Big Sword On Large Plate. (reads description) Aha! (picks it up) The sword that cut the Tag from Phoebe's Stepmother's Mattress. (runs the blade over fingers and cuts the index finger) Still sharp!

Striderette: Duh! That was stupid. It's like running your hand over broken glass!

Taylor: (drops the sword unknowingly on Striderette's foot, runs out)

Striderette: OW! MOTHERF-

We're sorry, we are currently having technical difficulties. (Elevator music)

Striderette: (rubbing foot)

Stacy: (strolls in) What's up?

Striderette: Nothing much.

Stacy: Oh. Want to go stand over on a bridge where we have a high risk of falling off and dying?

Striderette: Sure!

(Striderette and Stacy are standing on the bridge where they have a high risk of falling off and dying)

Striderette: So. What's up?

Stacy: Nothing.

(They both nod heads for a bit)

Stacy: So... what's up?

Striderette: Nothing.

(They nod heads a bit longer)

Stacy: Do you remember when I first met you?

Striderette: No.

Stacy: Oh. Well, you thought you had strayed into a dream.

Striderette: Oh, right, I did. Yes, I was really tired, that day. But then you came around, making all this racket. Woke me up, you did.

Stacy: Do you remember what I said?

Striderette: No. There was this really hot guy standing behind you. He looked like Mark Whalberg.

Stacy: Oh. Well, I said I'd bind myself to you.

Striderette: Ew! Like, with a string or something? What's wrong with you? That's like voluntarily wearing a straight jacket! A straight... STRAIGHT jacket. Mark Whalberg is hot.

Stacy: (puts hand over eyes) I understand. So you don't love me!

Striderette: Uh... (points over Stacy's shoulder) LOOK! A UNICORN!

Stacy: (swirls around) WHERE!?!?!

Striderette: (runs away)

(Phoebe is walking around Rivendeli later on that day; she comes across Richelle packing up)

Phoebe: Packing?

Richelle: (looks at Phoebe guiltily)

Phoebe: I thought you wanted to meet the Simmons people more than anything!

Richelle: I did!

Phoebe: Don't you like it?

Richelle: I do... it's just that... well, you did what Big Tall Old Man told you to do, and I figured that now, we'd be leaving.

Phoebe: You're right. Let's go.

Richelle: Now?

Phoebe: No! FOOLED YOU!

Richelle: Ha. Ha.

Copyright Phoebe Caprona 2002. If you intend to use any content from this website, e-mail me and ask. I DEMAND CREDIT FOR WHAT I HAVE SO PAINSTAKINGLY SLAVED OVER! Some things taken from J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and the movie The Fellowship of the Ring. The mattress tag idea was mine. The four mattress companies (Sealy, Serta, Simmons, Spring Air) are REAL!!! The song as sung by Ange is Lady Marmalade from Moulin Rouge.