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Index

Prologue

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

Part Seven

FAQ

Appendix

Summary: After grieving the loss of Big Tall Old Man, Halduh leads the remaining members of the company into Mothlorien, where they meet Nikkers (otherwise known as 'The Lady'). Nikkers warns them of the perils of the journey and shows Phoebe what may await her if the quest should fail.

(The remaining members of the Fellowship run out of Mario, covering their heads with their arms)

Richelle: (sits down on a rock and props chin on hand) Huh.

Phoebe: What?

Richelle: It's just that- Big Tall Old Man, he's gone... forever.

Brandy: (sits down on a rock next to Richelle)

Phoebe: What's your point?

Richelle: (sobs) HE NEVER PUT US IN HIS WILL!

Phoebe: (looking shocked, walks out to the edge of a large rock)

Val: (posing)

Brandy: (starts crying)

Sara: (collapses next to Brandy, sobbing)

Taylor: (pacing back and forth)

Catlea: VAL! Get them up. We must reach the Woods of Mothlorien by nightfall.

Taylor: Give them a moment, for Pete's sake!

Val: Who's Pete?

Catlea: Don't know. Think he screwed up his line.

AJ: He always screws up his lines.

Catlea: (stands Richelle up) Come on. We gotta get going or we're toast.

Val: (looks at Phoebe, hopefully) I've never seen the movie or read the book. Does he die in this? (nods toward Taylor)

Phoebe: (doesn't respond)

Catlea: Phoebe?

Phoebe: (turns head, a tear runs down face)

Val: (sighs) What are you crying over?

Phoebe: I spent a LONG TIME thinking up what to call Big Tall Old Man and now he's... (sobs)... d-d-DEAD!

Taylor: (opens mouth to say something)

Phoebe: SHHHH! You're always ruining surprise twists in things for other people.

Taylor: I'm just... INFORMING you!

Richelle: We don't NEED to be informed. We don't SEE the movies and such so we'll know EVERYTHING that happens.

Taylor: Yes, well-

Sara: You DO ruin movies ALL the time-

Brandy: And then Sara blurts out all the endings because of YOU!

(Everyone but Phoebe breaks out into arguing)

Phoebe: Uh- the- stop-

(People continue arguing)

Phoebe: Come on- the- stop!- the-

(Arguing continues)

Phoebe: (takes a deep breath and bursts out into song) THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!

(Silence, everyone looks at Phoebe)

Phoebe: THANK you! Now let's get going.

(Scene change: the background is smooth ground and there is a small, shallow pond in the midst of the shot)

Catlea: (jumps into the pond, meaning just to skim across it)

Richelle: (sticks foot out in front of Catlea)

Catlea: (falls facefirst into pond)

Phoebe: (snickers)

Catlea: (stands up and dusts self off) Gurra gurra! I hate it when I fall!

(Walking in the woods)

Phoebe: (hears a weird voice)

Weird Voice: You coming here is as the footsteps of doom.

Phoebe: (confused) What?

Weird Voice: You bring great evil here, Tag bearer.

Phoebe: (even more confused)

(Silence)

AJ: They say these woods are dangerous.

(Everyone ignores him)

AJ: They say a sorceress lives in these woods.

Phoebe: (wipes AJ's spit off face) Okay, I want the news, not the weather, please!

AJ: An elf-witch. All who look upon her...

(Silence)

AJ: Fall under her spell...

(Silence)

AJ: And...

(Silence)

AJ: Are never seen again.

(Silence)

AJ: But you don't have to worry.

(Silence)

AJ: I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox-

Halduh: (jumps out of the trees followed by a bunch of elves holding arrows) AJ breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark.

Phoebe: It could also be that he was talking an awful lot.

AJ: (shrugs)

Phoebe: He gets in trouble a lot for talking in language arts.

(Silence)

Catlea: So... we need some help, Halduh.

Halduh: (rolls eyes) Last week, you needed money. This week, you need help.

(Everyone else looks suspiciously at Catlea)

Catlea: What? I had a nasty cold and a shortage of cold medicine!

(Silence)

Catlea: I was going to get PNEUMONIA!

(Silence)

Halduh: Come on. I'm taking you to our humble abode.

Phoebe: Is it really humble?

Halduh: Meh... not really. Which is why I pretty much just wander around all the time. Plus, the Lady is expecting you.

AJ: You know, these woods are perilous. We should go back!

Halduh: You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood. You cannot go back.

AJ: (looks over shoulder) Yes, I can.

Halduh: Good point.... I mean, you could, but you'd be dead before you hit the ground.

AJ: I don't exactly plan on hitting the ground.

Halduh: Yeah, but you would anyway.

Catlea: It would be wise to listen-

AJ: Who are YOU to say what's wise and what's not? Big Tall Old Man, obviously the wisest of us all, is now gone. What makes you so sure you're right that it would be wise to listen to this elf guy?

Catlea: Well, he does have several arrows currently positioned spitting distance from your forehead.

AJ: You make a valid point.

Halduh: (leads them off into woods)

(An hour or so later)

Halduh: (opens a door in a large tree, leads them inside)

Phoebe: (frowns) What do you do for protection?

Halduh: Well, my husband's sleeping with his secretary, so...

Phoebe: I meant to prevent harm from coming here.

(Tense silence)

Halduh: Ha ha!

Catlea: That IS a good question. How do we know we'll be safe here?

Halduh: Well, it's a fairly clandestine location-

Taylor: (looks at sign on door which clearly reads 'MOTHLORIEN')

Phoebe: (looks curiously from Taylor over to 'MOTHLORIEN' sign) Don't you think that sign's made it a little bit TOO conspicuous?

Halduh: (thoughtfully) I'll guess I'll call that to the attention of the Lady.

Sara: Who?

Brandy: Like, Lady and the Tramp?

Val: (rolls eyes)

Richelle: I'm curious as to who this 'Lady' is that you speak of.

Phoebe: As am I. Now, I have one question for you.

Halduh: What?

Phoebe: Is 'Lady' capitalized or not?

Halduh: Can't you tell?

Phoebe: I mean, let's just pretend for one second that this is a conversation taking place. You know, with speech. Is 'Lady' capitalized? Or NOT?

Halduh: It's capitalized.

Phoebe: Ah. AS I suspected... (rubs chin thoughtfully)

Catlea: So, uh, can we go in or not?

Halduh: (nods for them to go through door)

Phoebe: (walks in, stops dead)

(Everyone else does the same and gapes upward)

Catlea: Do we have to climb ALL those stairs?

Halduh: No. There's an elevator.

(Everyone sighs with relief)

Halduh: (turns to elevator) What!? OUT of ORDER!?!?

(Everyone gasps)

Halduh: HAHA! I can't BELIEVE you fell for that! It's the OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK! Come on, man, what's wrong with you?

Richelle: May I?

Phoebe: (nods)

Richelle: (slaps Halduh)

(Scene: everyone is standing at the foot of a few stairs, immersed in a blue light)

Phoebe: (humming 'Au Claire De La Lune')

Catlea: (taps foot)

Sara: (silently whistles)

Taylor: (singing) I don't think you're ready for this jelly...

Val: (shakes head sadly) Why do I always get stuck standing next to Taylor? (steps on his foot)

Taylor: (yelps)

Val: (looks upward, gleefully)

Brandy: What are we waiting for?

Richelle: (clutching a Craig Counsell baseball card and stroking it)

Phoebe: (leans over to Richelle) Next thing you know, you'll be calling it your precious.

Richelle: (grins)

Phoebe: We're missing someone.

Catlea: Uh... Big Tall Old Man?

AJ: (runs in) Sorry, I really had to go.

Phoebe: Ah, see?

Taylor: So what are we waiting for, anyway?

Phoebe: We're supposed to be waiting for 'the Lady'. It's a bunch of B.S., if you ask me-

'The Lady': BOO!

Phoebe: (jumps and screams)

'The Lady': GOTCHA!

Phoebe: Nikkers?

Nikkers/'The Lady': Yeah.

Phoebe: (shakes head) Cruel.

Nikkers: Anyway. Let's see... eight there are here, yet nine there were set out from Rivendeli. Tell me, where is Big Tall Old Man? For I much desire to speak with him...

Catlea: (looks downward)

Nikkers: Oh, damn. Is he dead?

Phoebe: (nods)

Nikkers: I'm going to have to have another chat with Jesus.

Phoebe: Those always seem to turn out in your favor, anyway.

Nikkers: What do you mean by that?

Phoebe: You're still alive, aren't you?

Nikkers: Your point is well seen. Anyway. The quest stands upon the edge of a knife... stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Or maybe not all, but a lot. (looks piercingly at Taylor)

Taylor: (sobs)

Phoebe: (breaks silence) Do I get to pick which ones?

Nikkers: Unfortunately, no. But don't worry- hope remains while the company is true.

Phoebe: (looks around at 'the company') Then evidently, hope doesn't remain.

Richelle: You have awfully pleasant things to say about your friends, don't you?

Nikkers: Anyway, you can rest here tonight, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight, you will sleep peacefully... (looks at Phoebe, projects that 'Weird Voice' into her head)

Phoebe: (hears Weird Voice)

Weird Voice/Nikkers: Welcome, Phoebe of Oro Valley... one who has seen-

Nikkers: (out loud) My eye! MY EYE! (clutches eye) A GNAT JUST FLEW INTO MY EYE! OH, MOTHERF-

(Scene change)

Phoebe: (twirling hair around finger idly)

Richelle: (reading Entertainment Weekly)

Sara: (thinking about Johnny Depp)

Phoebe: You know what would be cool?

Richelle: (flips page) To swim in a pool of blue Jell-O?

Phoebe: Well, yeah. But I was thinking more along the lines of having a light saber. (hums Star Wars theme)

Catlea: You know, that would be cool. Or being a Jedi.

Phoebe: But you'd need to be a Jedi to have a light saber.

Catlea: True. Or a Sith.

Phoebe: Which is an evil Jedi, right?

Catlea: Yeah. I guess.

(Silence)

Phoebe: (mimicking Ewan McGregor) You will be a Jedi. I promise.

Catlea: (snickers)

Val: (walks in, wearing a really stupid outfit)

Phoebe: (bursts out laughing)

(Everyone else joins in)

Val: (looks down sadly) They're MAKING me wear this.

(Laughter)

Val: It's not funny! And they interrogated me about Big Tall Old Man. We all talked about him a bit.

Phoebe: Oh? And?

Val: I have not the heart to tell you. For me, the grief is still too near.

(Everyone's heads turn toward a large box labelled 'GRIEF' standing approximately two centimeters away from Val)

Catlea: Go to sleep. These borders are well protected.

(Everyone but Catlea and Taylor instantaneously falls asleep)

Taylor: (sits on a rock near Catlea)

Catlea: What do you want now?

Taylor: Can I borrow a quarter?

Catlea: No.

Taylor: Oh. Well, you know what?

Catlea: What?

Taylor: I heard a voice!

Catlea: (looks quizzically at Taylor) Sure. Okay...

Taylor: She told me, 'Even now, there is still hope'. But I do not see it.

Catlea: Are you sure she wasn't talking about a person NAMED Hope or something?

Taylor: Well, she could have been. But I doubt it.

Catlea: Ah, doubt.

Taylor: What about doubt?

Catlea: Who knows?

(Silence)

Taylor: Have you ever seen the White City?

Catlea: Do you mean the actual CITY itself is white, or do you mean that it's 'white' as in 'not bad or evil'? OR, do you mean that the people in the city are all white?

Taylor: I don't know... they just call it the- the White City.

Catlea: Oh. THAT place. Yeah, I saw it once. A LONG time ago, but regardless.

Taylor: You know what I'm talking about?

Catlea: No. I'm making an assumption.

Taylor: Okay.

(Cut to scene where everyone is laying on the ground, asleep)

Nikkers: (walks past everyone wearing an excessively large dress, steps on Phoebe)

Phoebe: (jumps up) God!?

Nikkers: No, it's me, you motard!

Phoebe: Oh.

Nikkers: Come on. (walks out of room)

Phoebe: (follows)

Nikkers: (walks over to a fountain and a birdbath, dips a bowl in the fountain, pours the water into the birdbath)

Phoebe: (frowns)

Nikkers: Will you look into the mirror?

Phoebe: What will I see?

Nikkers: Even the wisest cannot tell, for the mirror shows many things.

Phoebe: (glances at mirror apprehensively)

Nikkers: Things that were...

Phoebe: (gulps)

Nikkers: Things that are...

Phoebe: (breathes heavily)

Nikkers: And some things... that have not yet come to pass.

Phoebe: (kneels down on ground) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Nikkers: What?

Phoebe: You're talking about my police record, aren't you!? AREN'T YOU!?

Nikkers: You don't have one.

Phoebe: You DID say 'and some things that have not yet come to pass'.

Nikkers: So will you look into the mirror, or not?

Phoebe: (sighs) I suppose I will. (looks into mirror, screams)

Nikkers: What?

Phoebe: THE LOCHNESS MONSTER!

Nikkers: (slaps Phoebe) SNAP OUT OF IT!

Phoebe: (shakes head) I'm cool.

Nikkers: Use the Force.

Phoebe: Right. The Force. (looks back into mirror)

Mirror: Hello, Phoebe.

Phoebe: (gasps) Mommy!

Mirror: I'm not your mommy!

Phoebe: I know! It was an interjection!

Nikkers: What was an interjection?

Phoebe: Your mom!

Nikkers: (slaps Phoebe) What?

Phoebe: EVERYONE SHUT UP!

(Silence)

Phoebe: (points at Mirror) YOU stop talking.

Nikkers: The mirror was talking?

Phoebe: YES!

Mirror: (laughs evilly)

Nikkers: (jumps back from Mirror) WAH!

Phoebe: I KNOW!

Nikkers: It just laughed evilly!

Phoebe: What's up with THAT?

Nikkers: It's certainly odd.

Mirror: No. I need to show you something.

Phoebe: Fine. (looks in mirror)

Mirror: (shows Phoebe an image of Really Ugly Creatures wreaking havoc and distress in Oro Valley, and all Phoebe's friends being tortured)

Phoebe: (gasps)

Mirror: (shows an image of a huge eye, which tries to suck the Tag attached to a chain around Phoebe's neck into the Mirror)

Phoebe: NO! (grabs Tag and throws self backward onto ground)

(Silence)

Phoebe: Owwwww... (rubs back, stands up)

Nikkers: I know what it is you saw, for it is also in my mind. It is what will come to pass... IF you should fail.

(Silence)

Nikkers: He will try to take the Tag... YOU know of whom I speak. One by one, it will destroy them all.

Phoebe: (holds out Tag) If you ask it of me, I will give you the one Tag.

Nikkers: You offer it to me freely? (holds out hand) I cannot deny that my heart has greatly desired this...

(Echoing voices intrude)

Peter Jackson: CUT!

Nikkers: (wipes sweat off forehead) It's really hot with those lights aiming at me.

Peter Jackson: BRING IN THE STAND-IN!

Nikkers: (saunters away)

Stand-in: (walks over to where Nikkers was)

Phoebe: Are you aware you look remarkably like Jennifer Lopez?

Stand-in: Yes. I do all her stunts for her.

Peter Jackson: PLACES!

Phoebe: (poses)

Peter Jackson: LIGHTS-

(Lights go strangely bright and invert Stand-in's normal colors)

Peter Jackson: CAMERA... ACTION!

Stand-in: In place of a dark lord, you will have a queen... NOT DARK BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE (sneezes, looks at Peter Jackson, silently) Do I keep going? Yeah? (starts yelling again) TREACHEROUS AS THE SEAS... STRONG AS THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH! All shall love me and despair...

Peter Jackson: CUT!

Phoebe: (sighs and waits)

Nikkers: (comes back in and pushes Stand-in away)

Peter Jackson: LIGHTS... CAMERA... ACTION!

Nikkers: I pass the test.

Phoebe: What test?

Nikkers: No one really knows. But I shall diminish and go into the west... and remain Nikkers.

Phoebe: How sad.  But... you know... I can't do this alone.

Nikkers: You are a Tagbearer, Pheebs.  To bear a Tag, is to be alone.

Phoebe: No, I really CAN'T do this alone.  I mean, my therapist says, that--

Nikkers: Oh, stop whining.

Phoebe: (sighs) I know what I must do, it's just... I'm afraid to do it.

Nikkers: Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.

(Pause)

Phoebe: Are you making fun of me?

Nikkers: Oh, dammit, Phoebe, just go to sleep.

(The Next Day)

Phoebe: (grabs stuff) Alright. Everybody ready?

Everybody: Yup.

Phoebe: Good. Let's get going. (hops in boat)

Nikkers: WAIT!

Phoebe: What?

Nikkers: (comes running from distance) WAIT!

Phoebe: WHAT!?

Nikkers: (catches up to them) I... (gasps for breath) need... (gasp) to.. (gasp) give you this... (hands Phoebe what appears to be a lightbulb)

Phoebe: Uh... gee, thanks.

Nikkers: May it be a light (gasp gasp gasp) for you when all other lights (deep gasp) go- (fit of coughing) ou- (gasp)... out.

(Pause)

Nikkers: (finally regains breath) So... going to Mt. Spring to throw the Tag in, aren't you?

Phoebe: (nods sadly) We'll probably die. AND I have this wretched shoes... my father REFUSES to buy me new ones, even though these are FILLED with holes...but at least we get out of Oro Valley.

Nikkers: It's all for the best... that Tag has the power to take over the entire world, and trust me, you don't want that.

Phoebe: True. But I sure wouldn't mind taking over the world.

Nikkers: When're you leaving?

(Music begins)

Phoebe: Start spreadin' the news....

(The other members of the Fellowship begin to dance in the background)

Phoebe: I'm leaving today..... (dances) I want to be a part of it-

Everyone: Mount Spring, Mount Spriiiiing!

Phoebe: These really old shoes... (points to year-old, beat-up shoes) Are longing to stray.... INTO THE VERY HEART OF IT-

Everyone: MOUNT SPRING MOUNT SPRIIIING!

Phoebe: I want to WAKE UP in the mountain and KNOW I'M DEAD!

(Music blares)

Phoebe: AND FIND OUT I CAN NOW TAKE OVER THE WOOOOORLD! (sweeps arms around)

(Music dies down a bit)

Phoebe: These Oro Valley blues... are melting away.... I'll make a BRAND NEW END OF IT...

Everyone: In old Mount Spring!

Phoebe: If I can MAKE it there, I sure won't come BACK TO HERE....

Everyone: IT'S UP TO YOU, MOUNT SPRING, MOUNT SPRING!

Phoebe: I'll throw the Tag in.... and then I'll get killed...

Nikkers: You sure have LOTS of courage-

Everyone: MOUNT SPRING MOUNT SPRING!

Nikkers: IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THERE, YOU'LL DIE BEFORE YOU GET BACK HERE-

Phoebe: (poses on knees with arms up in air)

Everyone: (stands behind Phoebe, posing)

Everyone: IT'S UP TO YOU, MOUNT SPRING, MOUNT SPRIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

(Music ends, curtains fall)

(Cheering commences)

Copyright Phoebe Caprona 2002. If you intend to use any content from this website, e-mail me and ask. I DEMAND CREDIT FOR WHAT I HAVE SO PAINSTAKINGLY SLAVED OVER! Some things taken from J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and the movie The Fellowship of the Ring. The mattress tag idea was mine. The four mattress companies (Sealy, Serta, Simmons, Spring Air) are REAL!!! References to the Force, Jedis, Sith, light sabers, and Star Wars are all from Star Wars (copyright George Lucas, no one knows exactly what year). References made to The Sound of Music (idea of using "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!" to break up an argument stolen from Moulin Rouge). I'm pretty sure I also stole a line from Friends. New York New York was originally done by Frank Sinatra.