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Index

Prologue

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

Part Seven

FAQ

Appendix

Summary: Biggest Tallest Oldest Man sends out the terrifying Grotesquely Ugly Creatures to hunt the Fellowship of the Mattress Tag down. However, there is already trouble with the Fellowship, as they find themselves being torn apart by their own means. Someone attempts to steal the Tag from Phoebe, and Phoebe takes flight. Where does she go? Will she be seen again? And most importantly, will she get to the McDonald's on the other side? Meanwhile, the Grotesquely Ugly Creatures reach the Fellowship and also do some tearing apart.

(Meanwhile, back at the ranch... in other words, "meanwhile, back at Big Tall Old Tower, with Biggest Tallest Oldest Man where we last left him, plotting ways to get the One Tag of Power from Phoebe and the Fellowship of the Mattress Tag"...)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: (pacing back and forth) I can't believe Big Tall Old Man got away. I hope he died... or something.

Really Ugly Creature: (sitting patiently at a desk)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: Dictate.

Really Ugly Creature: (positions hands in front of a keyboard)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: Dear...

Really Ugly Creature: (types)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: No. To Whom It May Concern?

Really Ugly Creature: (sighs and types that)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: No! Wait! To...

Really Ugly Creature: (really frustrated at this point)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: Yes. 'To' will do. 'To' Lord Sauronette... no, no. To Lordette Sauronette? Er... To Miss Sauronette? Is Sauronette married? Hmmm... 'To Sauronette'. Yes. Paragraph! From... Your Faithful Servant... make sure it's capitalized, yes, yes. Paragraph. Regarding... what is it regarding? Regarding... aha! Regarding your fortress, et cetera. Paragraph. The fortress is nearly ready... Philip Morris is providing us with an array of torture devices for fifteen percent off. Thousands of Really Ugly Creatures have been recruited as the service staff for your lair... no, don't say 'thousands', just say 'a lot'. Yes. A folk dancing chamber has been built as per request, innocent creatures from far and wide have been taken under to act as the ones screaming loudly outside your citadel. You will find a wide variety of these innocent creatures, ranging from... rabbits... should I use rabbits as an example? No? Okay, ranging from... aha, hobbits! Yes, ranging from hobbits to... er... dwarves. Yes? Yes, dwarves. It should be prepared for you to move into the residential portion of it, equipped with over seventeen bathrooms and several mirrors, by the end of this month. Paragraph. The army you requested for Bordor is currently in the making... but we may have run into a few difficulties with some of them because they will insist on painting their nails pink, perhaps because they keep getting called males when really they are females and they just want to remain separate, or perhaps because they are mentally ill. Either way you have it, they have been removed from the army and are now building a small community where they plan to raise children. Petunias and other pleasant plant growth have, of course, been forbidden. A large portion of the army, official title the 'Grotesquely Ugly Creatures', has been dispatched to track down the Tag and should be arriving back with all the really short ones of that company in the next couple of days. I trust that they will have the Tag. Paragraph. We will send you notification when your fortress has been completed. Paragraph. With all due respect, paragraph, Biggest Tallest Oldest Man.

(The company is beginning to row along in small boats under the shadows of Mothlorien)

Phoebe: (looks at the lightbulb given to her by Nikkers) Why do you think she gave me a Christmas light?

Richelle: It's not a Christmas light.

Phoebe: No?

Richelle: It's too big to be a Christmas light.

Catlea: Then what kind of light IS it?

Phoebe: I dunno.

Taylor: Some sort of lightbulb for a desk lamp, maybe?

Sara: No way. Too small.

Val: (rolls eyes) Let ME see... (reaches for it)

Phoebe: No, it's MINE! (struggles to keep it from Val's grip)

Val: Just--let me--see i--

(A small clinking and shattering)

(Silence)

Phoebe: You broke it!

Val: No I didn't!

Phoebe: Yes, you did!

Val: No!

Phoebe: Who broke it, then? Stephen King, I suppose?

Richelle: Are you blaming this on Stephen King?

Phoebe: No! That's exactly my p--

Richelle: What if I blamed it on Ben Folds?

Phoebe: (stares openmouthed) But--

Val: Yeah, or Ewan McGregor!

Phoebe: Now that's it. YOU WAIT JUST A MINUTE--

Catlea: Hear, hear! Don't even TRY to blame this on Ewan McGregor!

Richelle: Maybe Hayden Christensen, then?

Catlea: WHAT!?! (stands up angrily)

Phoebe: (stands up and leaps forward) Now THAT'S the last straw!

AJ: Quick, do something!

Taylor: What?

AJ: Whatever you can think of! They're having a girly fight!

Taylor: Uh...

AJ: (stands up and sings:) THE HILLS ARE ALIVE--

Taylor: (stands up and joins AJ)

Both: --WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!

Phoebe: (drops the remains of the lightbulb into the water with a small plunk)

(Dead silence)

(Everyone except Taylor and AJ suddenly bursts out laughing)

Sara: (leans overboard and falls into water, still laughing)

Brandy: (reaches in water and helps Sara back in boat, laughing)

Phoebe: (buries head in arms, being the only one present who's seen Moulin Rouge)

(Laughter dies out)

Phoebe: (takes a drink of soda, glances at AJ with soda in mouth still, bursts out into laughter again and spits soda out in every which direction)

(Everyone but AJ and Taylor--who still fail to find this momentous occasion amusing--joins in)

(The boat runs straight into a statue and the laughter instantaneously ceases)

Catlea: !?!

Phoebe: Oh, sh--

Val: Motherf--

Taylor: God d--

Brandy: A--

AJ: Jesu--

Richelle: Oh, fu--

Sara: MY TOE!

(Silence)

Phoebe: What happened to your toe?

Sara: Nothing. It's just everyone else was shouting something, so I thought I ought to, too.

Val: Oooooookay.

(Silence)

Phoebe: So, who are we looking at? Buddha?

AJ: It looks more like Jesus.

Taylor: There's another one over there (jerks head toward other side of river)

Phoebe: Maybe one's Ben and one's Jerry?

Catlea: No, you idiots, they're the Kings of Old.

Richelle: Is there REALLY a place called 'Old'?

Taylor: (stares at Richelle, reaches over and hits her in head)

Richelle: Ow! Hey!

Catlea: Shh. This is supposed to be a graceful, important, and most of all SILENT moment for me to cherish.

(Silence)

Sara: I could really go for some Ben and Jerry's right now.

(Everyone turns and looks at Sara, who shuts up)

Phoebe: Oh, sh--is there a bathroom anywhere around here?

Val: No.

Phoebe: Why does it always have to be when I'm on vacation?

Sara: What's the date?

Phoebe: What?

Sara: The date. What's the date?

Phoebe: The 17th.

Sara: That's who to ask.

Phoebe: Shall I write a letter to the 17th, then? Or does the 17th have an e-mail address, for easy access? (shakes head)

(Silence)

Catlea: Wow.

Val: What?

Phoebe: (elbows Val in the stomach) Shh. She's wanted to see these pieces of--er, these pieces of AMAZINGLY AMAZING statues for... er...

Catlea: Long have I waited to look upon the Kings of Old.

Phoebe: ... a really long time.

(Fade to scene of them rowing down the river)

Sara: Row, row, row your boat--

Phoebe: (cues Catlea)

Catlea: --gently down the stream--

Brandy: --merrily--

AJ: --merrily--

Richelle: --merrily--

Val: --merrily--

Phoebe: --life is but a dream!

Taylor: Row, row, row your boat--

Sara: --gently down the stream--

Catlea: --merrily--

Brandy: --merrily--

AJ: --merrily--

Richelle: --merrily--

Val: --life is but a dream!

Phoebe: Row, row, row your boat--

Taylor: --gently down the stream--

Sara: --merrily--

Catlea: --merrily--

Brandy: --merrily--

AJ: --merrily--

Richelle: --life is but a dream.

Phoebe: Life is but a dream!

All: Life... is but... a dream!

Sara: (sits back) Ahh, that was lovely.

Phoebe: Who's up for a game of Scrabble?

Richelle: We don't have any Scrabble tiles!

Phoebe: Or a board. Don't forget that we haven't got a Scrabble board.

Richelle: Then why did you ask if you know we don't have the stuff to play it?

Phoebe: It is PAINFULLY obvious--(rolls eyes as if to make a statement)--that I was only CURIOUS.

Richelle: (raises an eyebrow)

Phoebe: Asking and offering are two different things.

Val: (looking incredibly green)

Catlea: (glances at Val) Maybe we should go ashore for the night.

Val: (nods weakly)

Catlea: (rows ashore)

Phoebe: (jumps out of boat and pulls it farther ashore so as to prevent it floating off)

Catlea: At any rate we can't go the Eastern shore soon. There are tons of Really Ugly Creatures watching it. It's not safe.

Phoebe: Screw safe, they have a McDonald's over there! (jumps into boat) Ahoy!

Catlea: No! (drags boat further ashore)

Phoebe: (tries to push boat offshore by pushing against the ground with an oar)

Catlea: NO! (pulls boat back)

Sara: Is there REALLY a McDonald's over there?

Phoebe: Yes!

Sara: (jumps in boat, grabs oar, and joins Phoebe in pushing against the ground with it)

Catlea: (pulls Sara and Phoebe out of boat by their hair)

Sara: (trying to slap Catlea away)

Phoebe: (grabs Catlea's wrist and tries to twist it around)

Catlea: (drops Phoebe)

(Later)

Val: We should really get going.

Catlea: We should wait for cover of darkness before going on. Really Ugly Creatures patrol the Eastern shore.

Val: We're ON the Eastern shore.

Catlea: What? Oh, shit. (jumps in boat and pushes off) So long, suckers! And may the Force be with you!

Val: (looks at the others, who are glaring at her) What?

Richelle: You've lost us our boat. What are we going to do NOW?

Val: (holds up her hand) Wait for it... WAIT for it...

(Silence)

(Suddenly a scream breaks the silence)

Catlea: (rowing rapidly back across the river to the others' side)

(Everyone suddenly understands and laughs)

Catlea: (jumps out of boat and pulls it ashore, panting)

Val: Ahaha, that's what you get!

Catlea: NOT funny!

Val: Anyway, it's not the Eastern shore that worries me. A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind.

Richelle: There's no bathroom over there, if that's what you mean.

Val: Damn!

Brandy: (wanders back to shoreline with the others) Sorry, I had to relieve myself.

(Silence as everyone shakes their head)

Brandy: (looks around) Where's Phoebe?

Richelle: (sits up, alarmed)

(Fade to middle of forest)

Phoebe: (sitting on the foot of a large statue)

Taylor: (appears nearby, looking for wood, sees Phoebe) What's up?

Phoebe: I'm trying to figure out where we are.

Taylor: And?

Phoebe: So far I've ruled out the Sahara Desert.

Taylor: But you never really know, I guess... (silence) Uh... (clears throat) And we're not in Arizona anymore, that's for sure.

Phoebe: There's forest in Arizona!

Taylor: Not anymore. Do you even read the paper?

Phoebe: Well, lately I've been a bit busy, what with trying to save the world and all. This whole Mt. Spring ordeal sucks.

Taylor: You know, there are other ways. Other paths we might take.

Phoebe: (snorts) I know what you would say, and it would seem like wisdom, but for the warning in my heart.

Taylor: (raises an eyebrow) Warning? What warning?

Phoebe: It sounded a lot better when Elijah Wood said it.

Taylor: If you would but LEND me the Tag...

Phoebe: No!

Taylor: Why do you recoil? I am no thief.

Phoebe: Oh, I beg to differ, my friend!

Taylor: (throws down the wood he was carrying) I ask ONLY for the strength to defend my people!

Phoebe: People, shmeople!

Taylor: JUST--GIVE--ME--THE--TAG!

Phoebe: NO!

Taylor: (rips the Tag off the chain around Phoebe's neck and runs)

Phoebe: (picks up a large stick and brandishes it at Taylor's back) STOP! THIEF!

Taylor: I have the Tag and you don't! Neener neener boo boo!

Phoebe: (runs after him and tackles him, rips the Tag from his hands)

Taylor: (pushes Phoebe to the ground and tries to take back the Tag)

Phoebe: (hastily pins Tag to shirt and becomes invisible)

Taylor: (confused)

Phoebe: (punches Taylor in the nose)

Taylor: (falls backward and grabs nose) By dose! (wipes blood from it) You hit by dose!

Phoebe: (gets up and runs away)

Taylor: I see your--(snorts and wipes blood from nose)--bind! You will take the Tag to Sauronette! You will betray us all! Dab you! DAB YOU!!!

Phoebe: (sticks out her foot in front of Taylor)

Taylor: (steps forward, trips)

Phoebe: Have a nice trip--

Taylor: (hits ground)

Phoebe: --see you next fall! (runs off, snickering, stomps up stairs of statue and looks over the river, searching for other fast food restaurants while taking off the tag, claps hands together) Pizza Hut! (loses balance, falls off statue and lands flat on back, blinks and stares at the sky) Ow. (Stands up and brushes dirt off, rubbing back where an extremely sharp twig poked it)

Catlea: (jumps out at Phoebe) Where is the Tag?

Phoebe: (backs away)

Catlea: Phoebe. I swore to protect you.

Phoebe: No, you didn't!

Catlea: (taps head) In here, I did.

Phoebe: Anyway, can you protect me from yourself? (holds out Tag) Would YOU destroy it?

Catlea: (steps forward and puts her hand over the Tag)

(NOTE TO AUDIENCE: At this point in time you should be correctly positioned by sitting on the edge of your seat, DESPITE the fact that you'd have to be REALLY STUPID to have not already seen the theatrical version of The Fellowship of the Ring at this point and time--meaning you should already KNOW what happens. Your mouth should be hanging open properly, so that if I were to make this note to the audience much longer, you would most likely start overproducing saliva and drooling on yourself. The only exception to this is if you are vehemently shouting, "No, Phoebe, close your hand, Phoebe, you idiot!" as opposed to vehemently thinking the aforementioned strongly in the VERY LEAST. Also, you should be shivering with suspense.)

Catlea: (hand hovers over the Tag)

(NOTE TO AUDIENCE: Are you sitting properly on the edge of your seat? Check to make sure. "The Edge of Your Seat" official definition is: to be sitting so far on the edge of your chair that if you were to move forward any more than you already were seated that you would fall off. The last point on your seat where you are in a sitting position. If you happen to be sitting on the floor, hurry up and find a chair or a bench or a stool or something. Also you must be shaking with suspense. Are you? Make sure. Are you SURE? Okay, if you insist...)

Catlea: (closes Phoebe's hand) I would have gone with you to the end, to the very fires of Bordor.

Phoebe: (nods, wipes away a tear) I know.

Catlea: Oh no. (pulls out sword)

Phoebe: (pulls out her own and sees that the blade is glowing blue) Oh dear.

Catlea: Run!

Phoebe: (runs downhill)

Catlea: (walks out from behind statues, sees a ton of Biggest Tallest Oldest Man's Grotesquely Ugly Creatures, gasps)

Grotesquely Ugly Creatures: (charge toward Catlea)

Catlea: (puts arms over head and runs through them, screaming, randomly waving her sword around)

Phoebe: (stops and pulls out a mini voice recorder, presses 'play' and James Bond music starts to play, creeps from tree to tree)

Sara and Brandy: (jump behind a bush to hide from the Grotesquely Ugly Creatures)

Phoebe: (finally pauses for breath behind a tree near the bush Sara and Brandy are hiding behind)

Sara: Phoebe!

Phoebe: (looks over at Sara)

Sara: Come on! Hide over here!

Phoebe: (looks down toward shore)

Sara: (to Brandy) What's she doing?

Brandy: She's leaving.

Sara: (stares silently from the Grotesquely Ugly Creatures up the hill to Phoebe and back again) Run, Phoebe. (jumps out from behind the bush and runs toward the Grotesquely Ugly Creatures) HEY, YOU!

Brandy: (follows Sara) OVER HERE!

Phoebe: Those IDIOTS! They didn't need to do that! (shakes head and runs toward shore)

Richelle: (running through forest) PHOEBE!

Sara: (stares in horror at the oncoming Grotesquely Ugly Creatures) Brandy, it's working!

Brandy: I know it's working, come on!

(Sara and Brandy run)

Taylor: (runs into clearing, attempting to save Sara and Brandy, waving his sword around at the Grotesquely Ugly Creatures, stabbing a few of them)

Big Cheese Grotesquely Ugly Creature: (walks toward Taylor out of his sight and pulls bow back, releases it)

Taylor: (screams like a girl as a Killer Marshmallow of Death goes through his skin, kneels down and sobs) Owwwww... (sobsob)

Brandy: Don't you feel a little... bad for him?

Big Cheese Grotesquely Ugly Creature: (walks closer to him and shoots another Killer Marshmallow of Death at him)

Taylor: (sobs some more)

Brandy: Like I said, don't you feel a little bad for him?

(Brandy and Sara close their eyes tightly as Big Cheese Grotesquely Ugly Creature shoots another Killer Marshmallow of Death at him)

Sara: (opens eyes) It's only a flesh wound.

Brandy: Well, in any case, we're screwed at this point. (Looks at the closing in Grotesquely Ugly Creatures)

Sara: (looks at Brandy, shrugs and pulls out sword, running toward them screaming)

Brandy: (follows Sara)

(Fade to Val, Catlea, and AJ all wondering where the rest are)

AJ: (scratches head) Maybe they went across shore for the McDonald's?

Catlea: (hears Taylor sobbing) Oh, no. (runs toward Taylor's sobs)

AJ and Val: (shrug and slowly follow)

Catlea: (sees Big Cheese Grotesquely Ugly Creature about to shoot a Killer Marshmallow of Death at Taylor, which will finish him off) HEY, YOU!

Big Cheese Grotesquely Ugly Creature: (looks toward Catlea, angry, tries to shoot her with a Killer Marshmallow of Death)

Catlea: (dodges, leans against tree)

Big Cheese Grotesquely Ugly Creature: (throws a sharp piece of wood at Catlea)

(The wood appears to go straight through Catlea's neck, pinning her to the tree)

Catlea: (struggling against the sharp piece of wood)

Big Cheese Grotesquely Ugly Creature: (shoots another Killer Marshmallow of Death at Catlea, right where her head is)

Catlea: (ducks out from under the sharp piece of wood, runs toward Big Cheese Grotesquely Ugly Creature with sword and chops off its arm)

Big Cheese Grotesquely Ugly Creature: Hey! Violence is NOT the answer!

Catlea: (swings sword backward like golf club and brings it forward, chopping off Big Cheese Grotesquely Ugly Creature's head)

Val: YEAH!

(Val and AJ clap and cheer)

Catlea: (bows) No pictures, PLEASE! No pictures. Autographs later! (kneels down next to Taylor) Well, you're as good as dead.

Taylor: I tried to take the Tag from Phoebe...

Catlea: That's no surprise.

Taylor: You know, we're fighting a losing battle.

Catlea: No, we're not. You don't know Phoebe very well, obviously. She NEVER loses without one hell of a fight. She's got too much pride. You should have seen her when I won Star Wars Monopoly... (shakes head) Scary, it was. Anyway, I swear I will not let our people fail.

Taylor: Our people?

Catlea: Sorry, my mist-

Taylor: OUR people? (sobs more) OUR PEOPLE! (continues to sob) Our people... our people... anyway, I'm going to die now. Okay?

Catlea: Sure, I guess.

Taylor: Goodbye, my friend...

Catlea: (cringes)

Taylor: My captain...

Catlea: (raises an eyebrow)

Taylor: My king.

Catlea: (gasps and slaps Taylor)

Taylor: (dies)

Catlea: (stands up) Come on. Let's go.

Val: Shouldn't we, er, dispose of the body?

(Fade to shore)

Phoebe: (stands on shore and pulls Tag out of pocket, staring intensely at Tag, while having a flashback)

(Fade to flashback)

Phoebe: ...I wish this stupid Tag had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

(A long pause before the response comes)

Big Tall Old Man: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you. Mattress Dealer was MEANT to find that Tag, in which case you were MEANT to have it, and that indeed is an encouraging thought.

Phoebe: No it's not.

Big Tall Old Man: It could be.

(Fade from flashback)

Phoebe: (wipes back some tears and puts Tag in pocket, pushes boat offshore and jumps in it, rowing away)

Richelle: (running toward shore but still inaudible to Phoebe) PHOEBE!

Phoebe: (starts to row off)

Richelle: (arrives at shore panting and coughing, staring at Phoebe halfway across the river) PH--o(coughcough)e--BE!

Phoebe: (shakes head) No.

Richelle: (starts wading across the river)

Phoebe: I'm going to Bordor alone!

Richelle: Of course you are! And I'm comin' with you! (continues walking across the river)

Phoebe: Richelle... you can't swim!

Richelle: Yes, I can swi-- (is cut short as she flails about underwater)

Phoebe: RICHELLE! (rows toward her)

Richelle: (continues flailing, the struggling ceases and it appears that Richelle is dead)

(A hand reaches in the water and pulls her out)

Richelle: (rolls into boat, coughing and spluttering)

Phoebe: (continues rowing) The last thing I need is a dead Richelle on my hands.

(The scene: Catlea, Val, and AJ are dragging Taylor's body onto the shore)

Catlea: (pushes him into the river)

(They watch as Taylor slowly drifts down the river and over the waterfall)

Val: Well, that's done. Now let's get going.

Catlea: Where?

Val: Aren't we going to follow Phoebe and Richelle to the Eastern shore?

Catlea: They took the boat, though.

Val: Oh. Right.

Catlea: Anyway, we can't just leave Sara and Brandy to die--

AJ: (sighs with disappointment)

Catlea: --so we have to go get them, I suppose.

AJ: (sighs again, this time resigned) Okay, I guess, if I have to. But the Fellowship has failed.

Catlea: Not if we stay true to each other.

AJ: What do you mean by that?

Catlea: I MEAN, if we can manage to save Brandy and Sara, we're not total failures.

Val: Oh. Let's go, then.

Catlea: This means killing a lot of Grotesquely Ugly Creatures, as well as the Really Ugly Creatures.

Val: I'm in.

AJ: As am I.

Catlea: Then let's HUNT some bad guys.

AJ: YEAH!

(They run off into the woods)

(Fade to Phoebe and Richelle)

Phoebe: (climbs over top of mountain, stands up) Bordor. (looks at the really ugly land ahead)

Richelle: (climbs over top of mountain, stands up next to Phoebe, looks at Bordor) Wow. Is that all?

Phoebe: What were you expecting? Tulips? Daisies? Roses? Petunias? (takes a step forward and looks at the menacing land ahead) I hope the others find a safer route.

Richelle: Catlea'll look after them.

(A pause as they reflect on their current situation)

Phoebe: Richelle... I'm glad you're with me.

Richelle: Really?

Phoebe: No.

(They stare ahead a bit, and continue walking ever-closer to the fiery land of Bordor)

(Fade to darkness)

THE END

Copyright Phoebe Caprona 2002. If you intend to use any content from this website, e-mail me and ask. I DEMAND CREDIT FOR WHAT I HAVE SO PAINSTAKINGLY SLAVED OVER! Some things taken from J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and the movie The Fellowship of the Ring. The mattress tag idea was mine. The four mattress companies (Sealy, Serta, Simmons, Spring Air) are REAL!!! Pizza Hut and McDonald's are registered (I'm sure) trademarks of someone else's. I was in no way suggesting that you or anyone you know eat there. They were just the first two fast food restaurants that I thought of while writing this. I am also not insulting Phillip Morris. I was eating a piece of Kraft (TM) "Cheese Food" at the time and thought of Phillip Morris. And last but not least, the best line in here... the "It's only a flesh wound" line... was not of my own invention. That honor goes to a certain person who I thank very much for as of yet not hunting me down and killing me.