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Index

Prologue

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

Part Seven

FAQ

Appendix

Summary: The whereabouts of the missing Big Tall Old Man are found when he appears in Rivendeli. A council is called to determine what shall happen to the Tag and a fellowship to take the Tag to the land of Bordor is formed.

(The Council of Angeleena starts to be zoomed in upon)

Big Tall Old Man: (whispering) Wait! You forgot to show what delayed me!

Phoebe: (whispering back) Oh, sorry.

(Zoom in on Big Tall Old Man riding to a Big Tall Old Tower)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: The Shadow begins to take over, and Big Tall Old Man rides to Big Tall Old Tower in search of the aide of Biggest Tallest Oldest Man. For that is not why you have come, is it, Big Tall Old Man?

Big Tall Old Man: Yes. Let's cut straight to the chase.

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: What, do you want to play tag or something?

Big Tall Old Man: No, I mean it's an expression.

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: Oh. Right.

(Big Tall Old Man and Biggest Tallest Oldest Man are walking in a nice garden type place)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: So the Tag has been right under your nose for several years and you have not noticed? Your love for illegal drugs has dulled your wits, Big Tall Old Man.

(Fade to scene in Big Tall Old Tower where Big Tall Old Man and Biggest Tallest Oldest Man are reading a very old book)

Big Tall Old Man: We are running out of time.

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: Time? We are completely OUT of time, if you ask me. (walks into a big room with several doors and a large chair, sits down in the large chair)

Big Tall Old Man: (follows and goes into room)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: They are already zooming in on their target's location.

Big Tall Old Man: Oro Valley!

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: They will find the Tag and kill the one who carries it.

Big Tall Old Man: Phoebe! (turns to walk out but the door closes) Hey! (goes to walk out another door but IT closes) HEY! (turns to walk out the last door but then THAT door closes) Now this is just unfair!

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: Good never wins. So I say we join the Dark Side. It would be wise.

Big Tall Old Man: When did Biggest Tallest Oldest Man the Wise trade reason for madness?

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: (gets mad and waves staff at Big Tall Old Man)

Big Tall Old Man: (goes flying backwards and hits wall, slides down it) HEY! (takes staff and brandishes it at Biggest Tallest Oldest Man)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: (goes flying into door, gets furious and slaps Big Tall Old Man and steals his staff)

Big Tall Old Man: Now this isn't a fair fight.

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: I'm evil. Of course it isn't! (waves staff around, Big Tall Old Man hits floor and starts doing twirls around with his hair dragging on the ground)

(A dance floor appears and a bunch of people in seventies clothing and platforms gather round Big Tall Old Man)

Crowd: Go old man! Go old man! Go! Go! Go old man! Whoo whoo!

(YMCA comes on)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: (steps into middle of dance floor and starts to dance) IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE Y-M-C-A! IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE Y-M-C-A-A....

(Later... Big Tall Old Man is sitting on top of Big Tall Old Tower)

Big Tall Old Man: I hate heights. (a little moth flutters over his face) AHHHHHHH! (screaming like a little girl) AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Moth: I come in peace.

Big Tall Old Man: Will you deliver a message?

Moth: I'll... try...

Big Tall Old Man: Thanks. Now I'm going to need this delivered to FBI building 1837386 in Washington D.C... (scribbles note on Post-It and sticks it in the moth's mouth) There. I've left some blank corner for you to chew on. Try not to eat the actual message part.

Moth: (flutters away)

(Fade to next scene where Biggest Tallest Oldest Man is staring at a crystal ball)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: How do I get this thing to work? Ball ball, near the wall, who's the evilest of them all? (waits a bit and shakes head) Okay, maybe I stare at it a bit. (stares at it a bit) No... perhaps I'll ask it a question. Maybe it's like a Magic 8 Ball. Okay, Crystal Ball... how can I help out Bordor?

Deep Voice: BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF BORDOR!

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: (screams like a girl)

Deep Voice: IT'S SAURONETTE WITH A VOICE CHANGER LIKE ON SCREAM, YOU FOOL!

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: Oh. So one evil army... got it. Anything else?

Deep Voice: Yeah. Can I get a fortress?

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: What?

Deep Voice: You know, like a lair. A citadel. A big castle with a lot of fire and torture instruments outside of it. With a whole lot of rooms. OOOH, WE COULD HAVE ONE FOR FOLK DANCING!

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: Er... okay.

(Scene: there are a bunch of Really Ugly Creatures tearing up the nice garden and everything and lighting fires)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: Okay, you keep up with that. I need to go torture Big Tall Old Man and threaten him a bit. Be back in a gif.

(On top of the tower....)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: (throwing Big Tall Old Man around with magical powers) HAHAHA! So you can either choose: side with me or die. We can have power... you won't regret it.

Big Tall Old Man: There is only ONE Lord of the Ring... only ONE who can bend it to his... her... its will... and she does not share power. (jumps off tower)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: So you have chosen death.

(Sound of Big Tall Old Man screaming and then a large thump, whereas the screaming stops)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: Oooh... that hurts. Glad that wasn't me.

(The view is of several chair arranged in a semi-circle around a podium)

Ange: (walks up to the podium and taps the microphone) Is this thing on?

(The microphone makes one of those really loud squealing microphone sounds)

(The people in the chairs cover their ears and scream)

Ange: (fiddles with the microphone some more) Testing, testing? (clears throat) Strangers from distant lands-

Stacy: Isn't that politically incorrect?

Ange: You're not even supposed to BE here. Get out!

Stacy: (wanders out sadly)

Ange: Strangers from distant lands, friends of old-

Big Tall Old Man: Are you calling me OLD?

Ange: Yes.

Big Tall Old Man: I'm insulted!

Ange: If you didn't see it coming, you shouldn't be at this meeting.

Big Tall Old Man: Sorry. I'll shut up.

Ange: Thanks. Anyway, as I was saying, we have in our possession the One Tag of Power. Phoebe, bring forth the Tag.

Phoebe: (walks up to the podium and drops it on a small table nearby)

(The crowd murmurs)

AJ: So it's TRUE!

Val: (gapes at the Tag) It's a TAG? How pathetic!

Some Random Person: (nudges Val) Shhh! We're supposed to act impressed! Ooohh... ahhh...

Phoebe: (sits down, grinning for some reason)

Ange: Phoebe! This isn't the Tag! It's a Post-It note that says 'Mattress Tag' on it!

Phoebe: FOOLED YOU! HA HA!

Ange: Well then, bring forth the real Tag.

Phoebe: Oh, er... I was supposed to bring it?

Taylor: Nice. So she FORGETS the Tag.

Phoebe: No, no, I'm kidding. I have it here. (pulls it out of pocket and drops it near podium)

Big Tall Old Man: YOU DETACHED IT FROM THE MATTRESS!

Phoebe: YOU try carrying around an entire mattress for several miles and SEE HOW HARD IT IS! And finally when they told me I had to come up these stairs- I mean, I can't drag a mattress up more stairs than Walnut Canyon has collectively.

Val: (shudders) Walnut Canyon had a LOT of stairs.

Phoebe: They said there were only 204, but I counted, and there was at LEAST a hundred more.

Val: It was AMAZING how we climbed more stairs going UP than we did going DOWN and came out at the same place. Really, I don't understand that.

Phoebe: Join the club. AND it was raining.

Val: I know! In Arizona!

Ange: (into microphone) CREOLE LADY MARMALAAAAAADE!

(Complete silence)

Ange: Thank you. As we were.

Phoebe: (sits down)

(Everyone stares at the Tag for a minute)

Taylor: It is a gift! Don't you see? (stands up) It was brought to US! Why don't we use it AGAINST the Bordor?

AJ: Bordor?

Random Person: (whispers to AJ) The Sealy Mattress Factory.

Striderette: You cannot weild it! No of us can.

Taylor: And what would a Rangerette know of this?

Val: This is no mere Rangerette. She is Catlea, daughter of Catleo. You owe her your legions.

Taylor: IS one of her parent's names Catleo?

Val: No. It's just for the purposes of this story.

Phoebe: Aragorn, son of Arathorn... Catlea, daughter of Catleo... Now you've ruined the essence. Let's try again.

Taylor: Alright. And what would a Rangerette know of this?

Val: This is no mere Rangerette. She is Catlea, daughter of Catleo. You owe her your legions.

Taylor: Catlea? This... is Isildura's heir?

AJ: I'm confused. Isildura who?

Phoebe: Oh, did I forget that? (shakes head) I'm forgetting an awful lot, aren't I? I didn't MEAN for this to be an epic- it just IS. So I left out quite a bit at the beginning. Isildura is the one who got the tag from Sauronette.

AJ: Sauronette?

Phoebe: Shorthand for 'Phoebe's Stepmother'.

Val: (snickers) The sad thing is it's so true.

Taylor: Anyway. You guys are ruining my dramatic scene.

(Silence)

Taylor: I'll start over. (clears throat) Catlea... This.... is Isildura's heir?

Val: And heir to the throne of Fourdoor.

(Silence)

Catlea: Sit down, Val.

(Silence)

Taylor: (glares at Catlea a bit) Fourdoor has no Queen. Fourdoor NEEDS no Queen.

Phoebe: But I suppose we could call YOU the Queen of Fourdoor?

Taylor: Y- hey!

Phoebe: The greatest thing about this being my story is I can poke as much fun at you as I want and you can't retaliate. Anyway, go on.

(Silence)

Ange: (into mic) Whose line is it, anyway?

Phoebe: It's your line.

Ange: Oh, right. You have only one choice-

Phoebe: Then it's not really a choice, is it?

Ange: No. But it's a line. You have only one choice... the Tag must be destroyed.

(Silence)

AJ: Then what are we waiting for? (grabs a pair of scissors and runs up to the Tag, attempting to cut it)

(The Tag throws AJ backward)

Ange: It cannot be destroyed by any craft we here possess! It can only be destroyed by being cast back into the waters of Mount Spring, where it was made. Only there can it be unmade.

(Silence)

Taylor: One does not simply walk into Bordor. There are thousands of Really Ugly Creatures guarding the gates, which are made of stainless steel and you have to know the password to open them. It would be walking into a death trap. The very air you breathe in Bordor is of an illegal fume. Not with a thousand men could you do this.

Ange: It depends on what the men look like and whether the Really Ugly Creatures swing the other way.

AJ: What makes you think they're not women?

Ange: Oh, come ON. Really Ugly Creatures? It's like the long way of saying 'male'.

Taylor: Anyway, my point is, you can't just stroll into Bordor!

Val: DID YOU NOT HERE WHAT ANGE JUST SAID? THE RING MUST BE DESTROYED!

AJ: And I suppose YOU think YOU'RE the one to do it?

Val: Someone HAS TO!

AJ: I will be DEAD before I see the Tag in the hands of an elf!

Val: ARE YOU CALLING MY EARS POINTY?

AJ: DO ELVES HAVE POINTY EARS?

Val: YES!

AJ: THEN I'M CALLING YOUR EARS POINTY!

Val: ARE YOU CALLING ME SHORT?

AJ: ARE ELVES SHORT?

Catlea: I don't understand this. Why are we arguing?

Taylor: It says in the script that everyone here is supposed to start arguing. Except Phoebe.

Catlea: Oh. Okay.

(Everyone except Phoebe stands up and starts arguing)

Phoebe: (hears a voice saying some strange words)

(Everyone continues arguing)

Phoebe: (stands up suddenly) I will take the Tag.

(Arguing continues)

Phoebe: I WILL TAKE THE TAG!

Big Tall Old Man: (slowly turns around)

(Silence)

Phoebe: Though... I do not know the way.

Big Tall Old Man: (rolls eyes) Are you hinting to something?

Phoebe: Well, I think I'll need help.

Big Tall Old Man: Fine. I'm in.

Catlea: (shrugs) Sure. Me too. I suppose I'll get more lines, then.

Val: Yeah. Okay. Count me in.

Taylor: Is this the will of the Council?

Everyone: YES!

Taylor: Then I guess I'm in.

Phoebe: It's supposed to be a lot more heroic than this.

Catlea: At least we're in. It could be you, all alone.

Phoebe: Then it wouldn't be the Fellowship then, would it?

Val: She's got a point.

Richelle: HEY! (jumps out of the bushes and runs over to Phoebe's side) Phoebe's not going anywhere without me.

Ange: Indeed, it is hardly possible to seperate you, even when SHE is summoned to a secret council and you are not.

Brandy: (runs out from behind a pillar) I'm going, too!

Sara: (runs out from behind a nearby statue) Same here!

Ange: (frowns) What the hell?

Sara: Come on! You need people of intelligence on this sort of mission... quest... thing.

Phoebe: Well that rules you out, Sara.

Richelle: (shakes head) A nice pickle we have gotten ourselves in, Pheebs.

Ange: Nine companions... so be it. You shall be... THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE TAG!

(Heroic music blares)

Sara: Great! (pauses) Where are we going?

Copyright Phoebe Caprona 2002. If you intend to use any content from this website, e-mail me and ask. I DEMAND CREDIT FOR WHAT I HAVE SO PAINSTAKINGLY SLAVED OVER! Some things taken from J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and the movie The Fellowship of the Ring. The mattress tag idea was mine. The four mattress companies (Sealy, Serta, Simmons, Spring Air) are REAL!!! The YMCA is by the Village People and is not my own song (obviously). Portions of Lady Marmalade have been used in this section.