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Index

Prologue

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

Part Seven

FAQ

Appendix

Summary: Phoebe and the Fellowship depart from Rivendeli to begin the first stage of the quest. After learning the passage South is being watched, Big Tall Old Man determines the company must journey over the Pass of Carrothras, which proves to be in vain as Biggest Tallest Oldest Man is blocking their path. They head for the Mines of Mario, but are stricken with grief when a most unfortunate event occurs, devastating the company.

Phoebe: (pacing back and forth in Rivendeli)

Richelle: What's up?

Phoebe: (looks up) Death and destruction.

Richelle: Really?

Phoebe: Yes. It also says 'gullible' in the clouds.

Richelle: Really! (looks up) No it doesn't!

Phoebe: It could.

Richelle: We're supposed to leave soon.

Phoebe: Have you gotten any rope?

Richelle: No. I suppose we'll leave that. But I'll just forget it, then.

Phoebe: Yes. And then you'll kick yourself in the head?

Richelle: Sure! Be my guest.

Phoebe: Ah. It's like having the whole world in my hands.

Richelle: Let's go.

(The Fellowship: Phoebe, Richelle, Sara, Brandy, Big Tall Old Man, Val, Catlea, Taylor and AJ are all walking across a bridge leading away from Rivendeli)

Catlea: So long, Rivendeli!

Phoebe: Happy trails to you... until we meet again! Hey! I've just gotten an idea.

Catlea: What?

Phoebe: How about we fade scenes into where we're all sitting on a large mountain and then we have Osama bin Laden make a cameo?

Stacy: That is so immature.

Richelle: Immature? BOOGER!

Phoebe: What are you doing here?

Richelle: Go away. You're stealing our spotlight. Plus, I can't stand that stupid glow around you. It hurts my eyes.

Stacy: (walks away sadly)

Phoebe: Ah. So easily defeated.

(A few hours later, the nine are walking across a large empty plain)

Phoebe: (humming heroic music)

Catlea: (joins in)

(The nine are climbing over a rock, Richelle is leading a horse over)

Big Tall Old Man: (climbs over rock holding on for dear life)

Taylor: (climbs over and poses)

Phoebe: (pushes Taylor on and keeps walking)

AJ: (walks over rock, dancing)

Sara: (trips and falls)

Brandy: (kicks Sara onwards)

Richelle: (jumps over and grabs onto a rock, pulls the rope attached to the horse) God- stupid- HORSE! GET OVER THIS ROCK! NOOOOOW!!!

Val: (pokes the horse in the butt with an arrow)

Horse: (goes running and dragging Richelle behind)

Val: (steps over rock and continues)

Catlea: (humming heroic music, steps on rock and looks around) LOOK YOU GUYS! I'M POSING!

Taylor: SHE'S allowed and I'M not? That's an invasion of my rights!

Phoebe: Shut up.

(Sound of screaming off in distance)

Fellowship: (pauses)

Phoebe: (counting) ..7, 8... (frowns) Ah. Richelle.

Company: (nods and continues)

(Fade to scene on a rocky mountain- get it? haha!- where they're all just hanging around, doing their own thing)

Sara and Brandy: (sword fighting against Taylor)

Phoebe and Catlea: (sitting there, watching the sword fight)

Richelle: (grabbing a bag of marshmallows near a fire and bringing them over to Phoebe)

Big Tall Old Man and AJ: (just sitting there on some rocks)

Val: (lookout duty)

Sara: (finishes her sword fight)

Taylor: Nice job.

Phoebe: He knows NICE WORDS! Who knew?

Big Tall Old Man: (tapping on a rock with a stick)

AJ: What are you doing?

Big Tall Old Man: Magic.

AJ: It looks like you're tapping on a rock with a stick.

Big Tall Old Man: It's art.

AJ: I thought it was magic.

Big Tall Old Man: It can be both. What's your point?

AJ: I dunno. I just think that we're taking the long way around.

Big Tall Old Man: We are.

AJ: We could go through Mario.

Big Tall Old Man: The Nintendo game?

AJ: No! It's a mine in the LIKENESS of the Nintendo game.

Big Tall Old Man: Oh. Nah, I don't think we should. It doesn't sound very safe. Aren't there a lot of villains in those games?

Richelle: (hands Phoebe a marshmallow)

Phoebe: Thanks. Why are they bunny shaped?

Richelle: I dunno. They were on sale at that Walgreen's down by Rivendeli.

Phoebe: (sticks marshmallow in mouth and spits it out) THIS THING TASTES LIKE RUBBER COATED IN SUGAR!

Richelle: (chokes on her marshmallow) These SUCK!

Phoebe: I KNOW!

Brandy: (sword fighting with Taylor)

Catlea: Brandy, lift your feet up!

Brandy: (starts jumping up and down)

Taylor: (accidentally trips Brandy)

Brandy and Sara: (gasp and tackle Taylor)

Sara: (punches Taylor in the nose)

Phoebe: OOOH, CAN I JOIN, TOO!?! (jumps off ledge and kicks Taylor)

Richelle: (throws a marshmallow at Taylor)

Taylor: (hit by marshmallow) Ow! That really hurt! How OLD are those marshmallows?

Phoebe: Easter...

Taylor: That's not THAT old!

Phoebe: Circa... (flips over bag and scans it) 762.

Richelle: Ohhhhhh... ewwww...

Phoebe: B.C.

Taylor: Oh!

Phoebe: They're like, antique marshmallows.

Richelle: Not to the elves. They're like... well, they're old.

Phoebe: Yeah.

(Silence)

Richelle: Hey, what's that? (points south)

AJ: It's just a whisp of cloud!

Phoebe: No it's not! I don't know about you, but I've never seen a whisp of cloud FLOCK AGAINST THE WIND! And I've never seen it sprout thousands of tiny wings, either!

Big Tall Old Man: Spies of Biggest Tallest Oldest Man!

Val: THAT OLD WEENIE FACE!

Taylor: Hide!

Richelle: Words of wisdom. I'm almost tempted to NOT hide just because you said to.

Phoebe: (pushes Richelle under a rock, takes cover)

(The other seven hide and it appears to be an empty rock)

(The birds fly over)

Big Tall Old Man: The passage south is being watched. We must now conquer... the Pass of Carrothras.

(Everyone turns toward the Pass, which is dark and gloomy and there is thunder and lightning brewing.)

Phoebe: How in the heck can you wash your neck?

Catlea: What?

Phoebe: I dunno. I wanted to bust a rhyme, is all.

Sara: (starts laughing)

Phoebe: What's so funny? (stares at Sara) Oh, bust a rhyme, REAL funny. Booger.

Sara: (laughs harder)

Phoebe: Wait. Even THIS will make her laugh at this point. (turns toward Sara) You're going to Bordor and you're going to die a horrible, painful death.

Sara: (collapses laughing)

Richelle: I say we just leave her here.

Phoebe: Nah. Let's go. She'll catch up.

(Heroic music as they climb on the snowy mountain)

Phoebe: Too... short... snow too deep.... (falls and goes rolling down the hill)

Catlea: (jumps and grabs Phoebe by the hair)

Phoebe: OWWWWWW! TORTURE! PAIN! SUFFERING! MOOOMMMMMYYY!

Catlea: i Sorry. Just saving your butt.

Phoebe: What's the point of my butt if you PULL OFF MY HEAD!

Catlea: Let's go. Got the Tag?

Phoebe: No.

Catlea: Where is it?

Phoebe: Oh, was I supposed to bring it?

Taylor: Nice. So she FORGETS the Tag.

Phoebe: Didn't you have that line last time?

Taylor: Yeah, so? It's your fault.

AJ: Sorry to say it, but I gotta agree. It's due to your suckage in script writing that he used the line twice.

Phoebe: (shrugs) Oh well. Anyway, yeah. I didn't bring the Tag. Didn't know I was supposed to.

Richelle: (trying to shut the angry people up) So she left it at the big rock! Big deal! We'll go get it, it's like a five minute walk away.

Phoebe: No, I left it in Rivendeli.

Richelle: (shakes her head) Only you could do that.

Phoebe: I didn't know I was supposed to bring it!

Taylor: WE ARE ON A QUEST TO DESTROY THE TAG AND YOU DIDN'T KNOOOOW YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BRING IT?

Phoebe: Well, if YOU guys were much more intelligent, YOU would have thought to ask me BEFORE we left Rivendeli.

(Mumbling from the others)

Phoebe: I know you are but what am I!?! Okay, anyway, perhaps if we just sit here, then the Tag will just magically appear. Wait... magic? (looks at Big Tall Old Man)

Big Tall Old Man: What?

Phoebe: You're a wizard. You know, I don't understand your point. I mean, you're a WIZARD. Isn't there something that should just GET you to Mt. Spring?

Big Tall Old Man: Er..

Phoebe: I don't understand what the point of being a wizard is if you can't help us every once in a while. Here's a pickle: we need the Tag. If you're really worth anything, then you should be able to get the Tag for us as we stand right here.

Big Tall Old Man: Uh, well, this is- it's WRONG. I can't take the easy way out of things like that!

Taylor: THEN WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING A WIZARD!?!?

Big Tall Old Man: (starts sobbing) Okay, I admit it! I'm not a wizard! I'm JUST A BIG TALL OLD MAN WITH A STAFF!

Phoebe: You IMPOSTOR! Now let's go.

Catlea: Well, we need the Tag.

Phoebe: It's okay, I have it. (continues walking)

The Rest of the Fellowship: (glances at her, confused)

Phoebe: (turns around) Well?

Taylor: (kneels down and picks something up) No, you don't have it. (holds up a silver chain with a Mattress Tag attached to it)

Phoebe: (walks over to Taylor and holds hand out) Give it up.

Taylor: (pulls it away)

Phoebe: Come on, Taylor...

Taylor: (starts to walk away)

Phoebe: (walks after at a swifter pace) Give it BACK, Taylor...

Taylor: (starts running)

Phoebe: (follows) THIS IS SO LIKE YOU! YOU ALWAYS STEAL MY STUFF!

Taylor: Since WHEN have I stolen your stuff?

Phoebe: YOU STEAL MY BOOK ALL THE TIME! YOU STILL OWE ME THREE DOLLARS FROM RUINING MY LOVELY BOOKMARK, YOU BIG FREAK! (dives and grabs the collar of his shirt)

Taylor: (stops, choking because Phoebe has hold of the collar)

Phoebe: GIVE IT BACK NOOOOOWWW!

Taylor: (falls over, possibly dead)

Phoebe: (reaches over to grab the Tag)

Taylor: (stands up and starts running again)

Phoebe: GIVE IT BACK!

Taylor: Why should I? I never give anything else back voluntarily!

Phoebe: Yes, but THE LOSS OF A BOOKMARK DOES NOT SHAPE THE COURSE OF THE FUTURE, DILLHOLE!

Taylor: (pauses) Yes, it's a strange thing that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing.

Phoebe: (mumbling) Line-stealer... sounds like you swallowed the movie... (snatches the Tag back) Never steal it again, you big tree. Hear me?

(The company continues walking)

(Next scene: the Fellowship is walking under what seems to be a bit of a cliff)

Val: (stops and frowns) There is a foul voice on the air.

Phoebe: Oh, that's easy to solve. Richelle, stop singing!

Richelle: (clamps mouth shut)

Val: No, it's still there.

(A bunch of snow and rocks begin to fall)

Big Tall Old Man: IT'S BIGGEST TALLEST OLDEST MAN! (holds up staff and starts chanting)

(Show Biggest Tallest Oldest Man standing on top of Big Tall Old Tower holding out his staff toward the Pass of Carrothras singing indecipherable words)

Really Ugly Creature: What are you singing?

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: Nirvana.

(Back on the Pass a bunch of snow falls and covers them all up)

Phoebe: (digs herself out of the snow)

Val: (sticks a hand up through the snow)

Phoebe: (screams)

Val: (pulls herself all the way out)

Phoebe: (puts a hand over her heart) I thought it was like Night of the Living Dead or something. You scared the crap out of me.

(The rest of the Fellowship digs themselves out of snow)

Taylor: We cannot stay here! We must go through (horror music) The Gap!

Phoebe: Isn't it the Gap of Rohan?

Catlea: But here, it's (horror music) The Gap!

Phoebe: Yes, I understand that! (points to Catlea)

Catlea: But we can't go through (horror music) The Gap. It runs too close to Big Tall Old Tower!

AJ: Then let us go through the Mines of Mario!

Big Tall Old Man: (having a flashback)

(Big Tall Old Man's flashback)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: If the Pass of Carrothras defeats you, where, then, will you go? Will you go though the Mines of Mario, where the dwarves delved too deeply? You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-Boom... shadow and flame.

(End flashback)

Big Tall Old Man: Let the Tagbearer decide!

(Silence)

Phoebe: (staring aimlessly)

Richelle: (nudges Phoebe)

Phoebe: What?

Richelle: You're supposed to decide if we go through the Mines of Mario or not!

Phoebe: Oh, am I the Tagbearer? Cool. An official title. If I get business cards, I'll be all set!

Big Tall Old Man: (grinds teeth) ANSWER!

Phoebe: Testy, are you? Well, I suppose... we'll go through the Mines of Mario.

(Scene: They are standing in front of a lot of stone and near a big lake)

Phoebe: So.... just standing here in front of a big stone door and a large lake. Yup.

Richelle: (flicking the horse)

Catlea: We have to send the horse away. The Mines are no place for a Pony, even one so brave as Buffalo Bill.

Richelle: Buh-bye, Bill. (pushes him away)

Catlea: He'll be fine.

Richelle: I hope he's not! That horse nearly killed me earlier!

Big Tall Old Man: Alright, we just have to wait for the moon to come out and then we can read these stupid runes.

(Moon conveniently comes out from behind a cloud)

Phoebe: That was convenient!

Big Tall Old Man: Yes. (reading runes) The Doors of Luigi, Lord of Mario. Speak, Friend, and Enter.

Brandy: What do you suppose that means?

Big Tall Old Man: It's quite simple. If you are a friend, then you speak the password, and the doors will open. (puts staff against the door) OPEN SESAME!

(Silence)

Big Tall Old Man: (leans against door) Maybe if I lean hard enough, the door will just GIVE...

Brandy: (throws a rock into the lake)

Sara: (pulls hand back to throw a rock in but Catlea grabs hand)

Catlea: Do not disturb the waters. You don't know what could be in them. Have you seen Sphere? (shudders)

Phoebe: Oh, man, Sphere? That's deep. (shivers) You got that door open yet, Big Tall Old Man?

Big Tall Old Man: Nope. (yells at the door) OPEN, YOU STUPID DOOR! (shakes head) It's no good. (throws staff)

Taylor: (gets hit by staff) OW! That really hurt!

Phoebe: (snickers)

Taylor: Oh, shut up.

(Silence)

Phoebe: (staring at door) It's a riddle! Big Tall Old Man, what's the elvish word for Friend?

Big Tall Old Man: Atchoo.

Phoebe: Gesundheit! Anyway-

Big Tall Old Man: That was it.

(Doors open)

Phoebe: Well, that was easy. Let's go in.

AJ: (strolls in) Soon, you'll be in front of roaring fires, with some nice food and... yeah, hurry up!

(Everyone files in)

AJ: Lived here for fifteen years, and they call it a MINE!

Taylor: (looks around) This isn't a mine... it's a tomb.

Phoebe: It's funny how even though we were taking care not to step over skeletons we didn't notice until you said that.

Sara: (gasps) Oh my GOD, THEY'RE DEAD PEOPLE!

Big Tall Old Man: Get out. We should never have come here.

Phoebe: (grabbed around the ankles by a Large Slimy Creature) AHHH! HELP! (no one hears) AHEM!

Richelle: (turns around) Oh, no! Let's help. (runs over to Phoebe and stabs Large Slimy Creature with a chopstick)

Large Slimy Creature: (drops Phoebe)

Phoebe: (thumps to the ground) Owww...

Phoebe and Richelle: (run back into entrance)

Large Slimy Creature: (crushes doors)

(Silence)

Big Tall Old Man: (produces a light)

Phoebe: Ah, see, you ARE good for something!

Big Tall Old Man: Technology. (shakes head) Flashlights are so wonderful. Now be careful. There are older and uglier things than Really Ugly Creatures.

Phoebe: Like you?

Richelle: More like Taylor.

Phoebe: (laughs)

Taylor: (gives them the finger)

Phoebe: I'm sorry, it wasn't my joke! Really, I didn't even think of that! Someone ELSE suggested I write it in the script.

Taylor: (continues giving them the finger)

Phoebe: Ah well.

(Fade to scene where they're just sitting there in a small cave)

Big Tall Old Man: It's funny how I have no memory of this place.

Phoebe: (shrugs) You're old. I forgive you.

(Total silence)

Sara: (whispering) Brandy!

Brandy: (whispering back) What?

Sara: (still whispering) I'm hungry!

Phoebe: (leaning over and looking into the abyss) Man, I love this thing. (continues staring and sees a strange creature peer over a rock) Dear lord! Big Tall Old Man, there's something down there!

Big Tall Old Man: Yes. It's Cher. It's been following us for three days.

Phoebe: Cher? It escaped the Dungeons of Barad-Drool!

Big Tall Old Man: Escaped, or set loose?

Phoebe: (shifts uncomfortably) It's a pity the Mattress Dealer didn't kill it when he had the chance.

Big Tall Old Man: Pity? Pity is what saved Mattress Dealer's life! Many that die deserve life, and many that live deserve death. But can you give it to them?

Phoebe: Well, I AM God, so I suppose so.

Big Tall Old Man: Maybe in another life you were. But now you're just worthless Phoebe.

Phoebe: I'm not TOTALLY worthless! I can- do stuff! I mean, I know I have absolutely no purpose on this journey and all I am is a burden and anyone could just CARRY the Tag, but still! I can like... paint and stuff! Plus, I'm sure I'll be more useful once the second movie comes and I have more of a chance to be a burden.

Big Tall Old Man: Haven't you finished The Two Towers yet?

Phoebe: No, I've just started on the second part. It's a pity; I was starting to like Merry a lot more. Though I still love Sam more than anything.

Big Tall Old Man: Enough of this talk.

(Silence)

Phoebe: You know, Big Tall Old Man, I wish this stupid Tag had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Big Tall Old Man: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time is given to you. Mattress Dealer was MEANT to find that Tag, in which case you were MEANT to have it, and that indeed is an encouraging thought.

Phoebe: No it's not.

Big Tall Old Man: It could be.

(Silence)

Big Tall Old Man: (makes a loud shrieking sound)

Phoebe: Oh my God, he's having a heart attack! CALL 911!

Catlea: Move, I know CPR!

Big Tall Old Man: I'm fine. I just have realised what way to go.

Phoebe: Really? You remember! Fancy that!

Big Tall Old Man: No, but I've learned: when in doubt, always go right. Because right, no matter what you do, is always right.

Phoebe: Yes, but right can also be wrong. Plus we don't know which way right is. We don't have a compass.

Big Tall Old Man: We don't NEED a compass to know which way right is.

Phoebe: Well, we'll have an awful problem. Because if I'm standing the way I am, right is THIS way. But if you're standing the way you are, right is the OTHER way.

Big Tall Old Man: Wait! I know!

Phoebe: Yes?

Big Tall Old Man: Why don't we go through the ONLY passage there is?

Phoebe: It's BRILLIANT, Big Tall Old Man!

Big Tall Old Man: (leads them through the doorway)

(Okay, let's paint a scene: they're all standing in a huge huge place, miles around, that is filled with pillars going top to bottom. Each pillar is about a mile high)

Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God.

Richelle: Well, there's an eye opener and no mistake.

AJ: Cool. (sees a doorway nearby with a bit of sunlight shining through, runs toward it) NO!

Big Tall Old Man: (follows)

Phoebe: (follows Big Tall Old Man with rest of Fellowship)

AJ: (sits down in front of big tall table thing) Aw, man!

Big Tall Old Man: Here lies Balout, son of Fundine, Lord of Mario. He is dead, then. (searches through room, finds a skeleton holding a book) Ah, a diary! Let's read. (hands Sara his hat and staff, opens book) The Really Ugly Creatures are coming. Their drums beat. We cannot get out. We cannot get out. They are coming.

Sara: (backs up and sees a skeleton with a lot of armor attached to a bucket and an arrow through its heart sitting on the edge of a well that seems to have no end, twists the arrow)

(The head of the skeleton falls off and makes an awful racket going down)

Everyone: (looks at Sara)

Sara: (bites lip)

(The rest of the skeleton falls in, making a bigger racket and pulling in the huge metal bucket, making the ultimate racket)

Big Tall Old Man: (glares at Sara)

Sara: (cringes and squeezes eyes shut every time a noise is made)

(Silence)

Big Tall Old Man: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity.

(A strange sound of drums beating fills the room)

Phoebe: Really Ugly Creatures!

Val and Catlea: (shut the doors and bar them)

AJ: (leaps up on top of Balout's grave) LET THEM COME! THERE IS ONE DWARF IN MARIO WHO STILL STANDS! (falls over) SORT OF!

Phoebe: You're not a dwarf!

AJ: I could be!

Phoebe: (shrugs) Sure.

(A bunch of Really Ugly Creatures try beating through the doors, they burst in)

Phoebe, Richelle, Sara, Brandy: (stand there holding their swords, confused)

Richelle: Uhm... TORA TORA TORA! (leaps into the fighting and stabs a couple of Really Ugly Creatures)

(A pause and a boom)

Taylor: They have a Big Ugly Creature!

Val: RUN!

(The Fellowship runs into a different room with a few square stone pillars, a huge ugly creature bursts in)

Phoebe: (hiding behind a pillar with eyes covered) OH MY GOD, WHAT IS IT?

Sara: I dunno, but it's big, it's fat, it's ugly, it's hairy, and it's naked!

Phoebe: AHHHHH! IT'S MY UNCLE PAUL!

(Everyone shrieks and hides behind a rock)

Big Ugly Creature: (throws a spear into the air)

Phoebe: (gets hit by spear and falls over dead)

Richelle: PHOEBE! Aw, man! That makes me sad, now. She was kind of cool. Sometimes. You know. Plus, now we can't finish this thing.

Val: BUT LET'S KILL IT!

Richelle: (stabs it with a chopstick)

Big Ugly Creature: (keels over and dies)

Catlea: (runs up to Phoebe and turns her over)

Phoebe: (coughs) GOTCHA!

Richelle: You're alive!

Phoebe: No way!

Big Tall Old Man: I think there's more to this outfit than meets the eye. Phoebe?

Phoebe: Uh... wait. This will be fun. (tears open shirt to reveal a silver shirt underneath)

Big Tall Old Man: It's a shield!

AJ: Made from Mithril!

Phoebe: I've heard it's worth more than the United States in itself.

Big Tall Old Man: No.

Phoebe: Aw, man. I was going to BUY the United States when all this was over! It would turn into The United States, Sponsored By Phoebe. No one would ever have to pay taxes because I'd have so much money! They'd all love me! I'd be a majorly rich political leader! It'd be a revolution!

Taylor: Actually, that's not much different than it is now.

Phoebe: Shh, you're spoiling my dreams, History Channel Boy.

Big Tall Old Man: (hears Really Ugly Creatures nearby) Let's blow this popsicle stand.

(The Fellowship runs out of the room and into the huge place with the pillars again, right into the middle when a bunch of Really Ugly Creatures start pouring out from different places)

Phoebe: Oh my God, they're surrounding us.

Catlea: They're like... spiders.

Val: (screams) SPIDERS!?!?! WHERE!!!!????!!!!!!????

Phoebe: Watch out, there's one on your shoulder!

Val: (screams and hits her shoulders) IS IT GONE IS IT GONE IS IT GOOONE!?!?!?! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME IT'S GONE!

(The rest of the company has now all collapsed laughing)

Phoebe: Yes... (laughter)... it's (laughter)... gone... (more laughter)

Val: We're being surrounded by Really Ugly Creatures!

(They all stop laughing and stand up)

(Thousands of Really Ugly Creatures are now totally surrounding them and closing in on them when a spotlight turns on)

Phoebe: Richelle, start singing!

Richelle: Why?

Phoebe: They'll run away as fast as their Really Ugly legs can carry them!

Richelle: (clears her throat) Mememe!

Really Ugly Creatures: (withdraw a bit)

(A large rumble/growl fills the room, the Really Ugly Creatures all run away shrieking)

(The rumble dies down)

Brandy: (covers her mouth) Excuse me.

(Another growling fills up the room)

Brandy: Okay, I swear that this time, it isn't me.

Taylor: What is it?

Big Tall Old Man: A Ballhog. A big evil creature beyond any of us. RUN! TO THE BRIDGE OF KHAZAD-BOOM!

(Everyone runs out into a fiery pit)

Taylor: (nearly falls over the edge)

Val: (catches him by the shirt collar)

(Silence)

Val: I don't know why I did that.

Phoebe: (shrugs) I'm sure there'll be plent of opportunity to get him killed accidentally later.

Big Tall Old Man: Catlea, you lead them on. Swords are no more use here!

Catlea: (stars running down a lot of really narrow steps)

Val: (comes to a crack in the steps, jumps over them)

Taylor: (follows Val)

Phoebe: DAMN! Another chance, missed.

Big Tall Old Man: (jumps over by Val and Taylor)

Catlea: (tosses Richelle to Val, reaches over to AJ)

AJ: Nobody tosses an.... AJ!

Phoebe: That's right! Go AJ! Stand up for your rights!

AJ: (jumps but is a little short)

Val: (grabs AJ by the shirt collar and tries to pull him over)

AJ: NOT THE SHIRT! MY MOM BOUGHT ME THIS FOR CHRISTMAS! SHE'LL KILL ME!

Val: (pulls AJ over the stairs)

Catlea: (tosses Sara and Brandy over)

(The stair breaks and Catlea and Phoebe must run upwards)

Phoebe: We'll never make that jump. They're at least a hundred yards away!

(The stairs break loose from the rest of the stairs and start to fall)

Catlea: LEAN FORWARD!

Catlea and Phoebe: (lean forward)

(The stairs hit the other stairs, Catlea and Phoebe jump off them with the rest and start to run down the stairs)

Phoebe: I HATE narrow stairs without railings! I'm always afraid I'll fall! (sticks a foot out in front of Taylor)

Taylor: (hops over it)

Phoebe: Never works, does it? Someday...

Big Tall Old Man: GET TO THE BRIDGE! IT'S COMING!

Phoebe: (looks back and sees the Ballhog as it runs toward the Bridge of Khazad-Boom)

(Eight of them make it across the Bridge but Big Tall Old Man stops and holds up his staff)

Big Tall Old Man: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Ballhog: (trips and falls into the darkness below)

Big Tall Old Man: See? Magic!

Ballhog: (reaches up and pulls Big Tall Old Man down)

Big Tall Old Man: (grabbing onto Bridge)

Phoebe: NO!

(Silence)

Big Tall Old Man: Run, you fools!

Phoebe: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Catlea: (frowns) Think he's dead?

Phoebe: Oh, no, he'll probably be back, the hole. Always does that. Anyway, even if he is dead, he's old. He was bound to die in ten minutes or so anyhow.

Catlea: Yes, I suppose. (an arrow flies past head) Let's go.

(They all run up the stairs and out of Mario)

Copyright Phoebe Caprona 2002. If you intend to use any content from this website, e-mail me and ask. I DEMAND CREDIT FOR WHAT I HAVE SO PAINSTAKINGLY SLAVED OVER! Some things taken from J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and the movie The Fellowship of the Ring. The mattress tag idea was mine. The four mattress companies (Sealy, Serta, Simmons, Spring Air) are REAL!!! Mario is, of course, a Nintendo game of someone else's invention.